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Orville Wright was at the controls during the Wright Brothers famous flight. The flight lasted only 12 seconds. It's hard to pilot a plane where you have someone behind you saying, "If you don't let me steer I'm going to tell mom."

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    A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.
    Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
    The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"

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"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)

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Rules of the Air for Pilots
Author Unknown

• Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

• If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

• Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

• It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than being up there wishing you were down here.

• The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

• The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

• When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

• A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

• Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

• You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

• The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice-versa.

• Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

• Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

• Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

• There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

• You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

• Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

• If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

• In the on-going battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

• Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

• It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

• Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

• Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's a law that is not subject to repeal.

• The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, a runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

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    A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me." She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun you weigh 128 lbs and you are going to Chicago."
    She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells the same thing to everyone, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, and you're going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.
    Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again." Back to the machine. In goes her nickel, out comes the card which said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago and you're going to break wind." Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life!" Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.
    Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it one more time." She goes back to the machine, puts in a nickel and collected the card. This time the card says, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."

Submitted by Ray

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    A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.  After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.  The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!!!"
    Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
    A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing!  He should see the BACK of MINE!"

Submitted by Sandy

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If Airlines Sold Paint. . . 

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? 
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon. 
Customer: What's the difference in the paint? 
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint. 
Customer: The price went up as we were talking? 
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it! 
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night! 
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else! 
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint?
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

Submitted by: Don S.

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Moon Dream
Written by M. Lenhart
From "A Potpourri of All Things"
by Mildred R. Lenhart ©2000

I had the wildest dream one night;
About three men in space.
It didn't seem quite right to me.
I couldn't see a face.
It seems these men were dressed in suits,
Unlike the clothes worn here.
Their heads, encased in helmets
Like Buck Rogers.  Mighty queer.

They seemed to have one goal in mind;
To walk upon the moon.
Now folks are going just too far;
I knew I'd waken soon.

I saw a meal 'thing' ascend,
And soar to heights unknown.
These three brave men were on their way -
Where grass has never grown.

At last they reached their target.
Their space ship came apart -
The pilot went his lonely way,
While the other two just parked.

I think I never shall forget
The happiness they showed;
As they danced and worked upon the moon,
And the wise old man just glowed.
They planted Old Glory in its place.
They gathered samples too.
Instruments they placed around,
As explorers often do.

Just then, I almost lost my mind.
No doubt you would have too.
"The President is on the line;
He'd like to speak to you."
These were the words from Mission Control.
I can hear them, still.
Three men are returning to Earth just now,
To pay the telephone bill.

M.R.L.

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Links to other Web sites with Airline Travel information:

Ticket Auctions

Price Line
http://www.priceline.com

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Airline Toll-Free Numbers and Web Sites:
http://www.geocities.com/Thavery2000

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Flights and Trip Savings:
http://www.travelzoo.com

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Biz Travel - Specialty Travel Guide
www.biztravel.com

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Unclaimed Baggage -- Shop 'Til You Drop!

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This page was last edited 11/02/04.