OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
~~~~~
While working as a technician, my girlfriend was assigned a big project to do. After a couple of months and many hours of work, she and several of her co-workers completed the project. It came out very well and she was invited to the meeting where the results of the project were explained to the director of the division.
After being congratulated at this somewhat formal meeting she stated "that she was pleased to be recognized but also wanted to give credit to her Co-Techs."
After a few moments of dead silence several people in the room broke out in laughter and then my friend did as well after she realized the play on words.
Submitted by Ray
~~~~~
A computer DOES save time at work. I can play solitaire without having to spend all that time shuffling real cards.
~~~~~
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Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes
sense...
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- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
-
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
-
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
-
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after
she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
-
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
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~~~~~
Just in case you ever got the two mixed
up, this should make things a bit more clear:
IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8 x 10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6 x 8 cubicle.
IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON... you spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.
Submitted by JW&MA-P
~~~~~
Why I Fired My Secretary
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that
morning, Anyway, I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't
even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday."
I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember."
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started
to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning,
boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know,
its such a beautiful day outside and its your birthday, lets go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go!"
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to
the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, its such a beautiful
day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Lets go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I
think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out
carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday...
And there I sat...on the couch...naked.
~~~~~
I just heard that Motorola is going to merge with Enron.
They're calling the new company "Moron."
~~~~~
After examining the contents of the employee suggestion box, the senior partner of the law firm complained, "I wish they'd be more
specific. What kind of kite? What lake?"
~~~~~
Three men are sitting (wrapped in towels) in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. Tim presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.
"That's my pager, " he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings. Max lifts his palm to his ear.
When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
Dave, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. in a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper emerging from his butt. The others raise their eyebrows. Invoking the best poker face he can muster, he explains, "I'm getting a Fax."
~~~~~
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This page was last edited 05/16/06.
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