I attempted to be a deli worker,
but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
~~~~~
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company,
but the work was just too draining.
~~~~~
Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.
He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost
total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's
Lars...Your neighbor from forty miles away.... Having a party Friday to celebrate the new Millennium.... Thought you'd like to come. About 5..."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you." As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some
drinkin'." "Not a problem... after 25
years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some
fightin' too." Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there.
Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these
parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for
six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be
the two of us."
~~~~~
The workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today.
They are demanding to make less money!
~~~~~
A shepherd was herding his
flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out
of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci
shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our
shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock,
will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully
grazing flock and calmly answers "sure!" The yuppie parks the car,
whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area,
opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas.
Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer,
turns round to our shepherd and says: "you have here exactly 1586
sheep!"
"This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the
sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and
bundle it in his Cherokee.
Then he says: "If I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me my sheep back?"
"Okay, why not" answers the young man. "You
are a consultant," says the shepherd.
"This is correct," says the yuppie, "How did
you guess that?"
"Easy" answers the shepherd. "You turn up here
although nobody called you. You want to be paid for the answer to a question I
already knew the solution to. And you don't know anything about my business
because you took my dog.
Compliments of FrogLady
~~~~~
When an employment
application asks who is to
be notified in case of emergency,
I write: "A very good doctor."
Submitted by SLGraber
~~~~~
Our policy is to always blame the computer.
~~~~~
An Elmo Story
A woman looking desperately for work
goes to the toy plant where they make Elmo dolls. The Personnel Manager goes over her
resume and tells her that he regrets that he has nothing worthy of her background that he
might offer her.
The woman replies that she really needs work and will take almost
anything.
The Personnel Manager thinks about it and then says that he does
have one job that requires very low level skills -- on the Tickle Me Elmo production line.
The woman is thrilled at the opportunity and happily accepts the job. Then the
manager takes her down to the assembly line and explains her duties to her. She replies
that she thinks can handle the job, and agrees to report for work at 8:00 a.m. next
morning.
The next day at 8:45, there's a knock on the Personnel Manager's
door. The Tickle Me Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just
hired. After the line manager screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the
assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggests that the line man show him the problem.
Together they head down to the line and, sure enough, Elmos are backed
up from here to kingdom come, as far as the eye can see. Right at the end of the line is
the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of material used for Elmo's furry
exterior and she has a big bag of marbles at her side.
Both managers watch as she cuts out a small swatch of the
material, takes two marbles and begins sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing, and
finally, after about 20 minutes of rolling around in hysterics, he pulls himself together
and walks over to his newest employee. "I'm sorry," he says to her. "I
guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give each Elmo two test
tickles."
~~~~~
Not only did my boss take me to McDonald's for
Secretaries' Day,
he kept the toy from the Happy Meal.
What a guy!
Submitted by Cicec
~~~~~
|
You know those "motivational" posters some managers
like to display on their wall? Well, here's one you can print out to put in your work station.
Make sure you point it out to your boss. You'll either get a chuckle or get fired:
|
- Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.
The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
- If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going.
That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
- Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.
It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
- If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me.
I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good
training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
- If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
- Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
I have no life beyond work.
- If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
- If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.
I was born to be whipped.
- If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until
the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
- Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything.
In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd
deductions will identify them.
- Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life
and send you straight to manager's hell.
- Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone
is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the
bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
- Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been.
Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
|
~~~~~
"I work for myself, which is fun, except for when I call in sick; I know I'm lying."
-- Rita Rudner
~~~~~
Submitted by Sandy
~~~~~
|
BULLETIN
The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is two persons at one time, unless I install handrails or safety straps. As you have arrived sixth in line to ride my ass today, please take a number and wait your turn.
Thank you! |
~~~~~
There were three construction workers, one
Chinese, one Mexican and one blonde. Everyday at lunch they would sit at the top of a very tall building to eat.
One day, the Mexican said: "If my wife makes me one more burrito I'm gonna jump off this
building!"
The Chinese man said: "If my wife makes me one more egg
roll I'm gonna jump off this building, too!"
The blonde said: "If I get one more PB&J sandwich
I'm gonna jump off this building, too!"
Surely enough the Mexican got burritos, the Chinese got egg
rolls and the blonde got PB&J.
At the funeral, the Chinese widow and the Mexican widow were
huddled together saying, "I should have listened to him. I didn't think he would actually do it!"
And the blonde's wife was sitting there confused. The other widows came over and asked her why she
wasn't crying.
She replied, "I'm confused. I didn't make his lunch...he made his
own!"
Submitted by Lauren
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This page was last edited 02/17/06.
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