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WORKING
FOLKS - Page 3
Office, Workplace
& Employment
Humor, Jokes & Cartoons
Funny stuff and humor for the 9-to-5
crowd, the 3-11 gang, and the 11 to 7 peeps,
or whatever shift you may work!
ENJOY!
Scroll down to see the jokes! |
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The Working
Folks Humor Pages:
Working Folks - Page 1
Working
Folks - Page 2
Working
Folks - Page 3
(You're on this page now)
Working
Folks - Page 4
Working
Folks - Page 5
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~~~~~
To err is human.
To forgive is against company policy.
~~~~~
I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for
it.
Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
~~~~~
I got a job in a
work-out-center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
~~~~~
Scroll down for more humor!
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The
Working Folks
Humor Pages
from ButlerWebs.com |
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A contest was held in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work.
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- If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
- When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
- The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
- I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly
e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
- I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we
have that deadline to meet...
- I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.
- Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them
Hoyas, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
- I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may
now contain false information.
- My stigmata's acting up.
- The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
- My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
- I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
- I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
- I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I
have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
- I prefer to remain an enigma.
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~~~~~
Stress Relief
Last week I went to a seminar called Stress and Disease by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology. He gave an example of a coping skill for job stress, which I would like to share with you. When you have had one of those "TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT" days, try this.
On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-TIP. Be very sure that you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.
Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the
thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that "every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested."
Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, " I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."
~~~~~
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
~~~~~
A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer but there is no price listed on them. He asks a salesman who says, "Five dollars for both of them."
"Yeah right, you've got to be joking with me!" the man says.
"No, that's the price," the salesman says, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them," the man says. The man continues to look around and he sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asks.
"Five dollars for the system, including installation" the sales guy
says.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks incredulously.
"No," says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the guy says. He looks around some more. Next he finds a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?" he asks.
"Five dollars," the salesman says.
"I'll take that too!" the man says.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, "Why are your prices so cheap?"
The salesman says, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife, and what he's doing to
her...I'm doing to his business!"
Submitted by FL
~~~~~
Our company has always had a problem with
interoffice communications. For instance, last week the Personnel
Department sent around a memo on sexual harassment.
Three people initialed it and six people signed up for it.
~~~~~
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
--George Carlin
~~~~~
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
~~~~~
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Rules of Work
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- Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00
and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
- If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's
going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
- Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be
creative when someone asks where you are.
- If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I
need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good
training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
- If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am
psychic.
- Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or
anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
- If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a
promotion.
- If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in
conversations. I was born to be whipped.
- If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them
until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
- Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the
corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions
will identify them.
Submitted by DkSdBubba
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~~~~~
Letter From Management
The Perfect Worker
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was looking over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you
earlier. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
~~~~~
Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
~~~~~
At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I share a coffeepot. One morning I took it into the ladies room to fill it with water. Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying some makeup. I didn't realize how long I'd been until someone slid a note under the door. "You win," it read. Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the coffeepot."
~~~~~
See more Workplace Humor from ButlerWebs...
[ Working
Folks - Page 1 ]
[ Working Folks - Office Humor - Page 2 ] [ Working Folks - Office Humor - Page 3 ] [ Working Folks - Office Humor - Page 4 ] [ Working Folks - Office Humor - Page 5 ] [ Links to Other Workplace Humor Web Sites ]
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~~~~~
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Inspiration &
Motivation
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Thoughts...
"People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing."
-- Dale Carnegie
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This page was last edited 12/20/06.
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