Farts Defined

Beefy Fart: Sounds loud, and will smell a bit like the rotting offspring of a B.S.E infected cow and a dog turd.
Brewer Fart: You try to push a brewer fart out, but it stays firmly lodged deep within your bowels. You come to the conclusion that it is some form of gaseous landmark.
Bunbuster Fart: Sounds like a Beefy Fart, except much more sudden and much much more powerful. Generally smells eggy or beefy. Leaves your asshole smarting. You really feel these babies.
Compost Fart: You know the compost heap that a gardener keeps at the bottom of the garden? Well if you jump on it you will have some idea of what a compost fart sounds and smells like. Do not attempt this one while you have company.
Eggy Fart: Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulfide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster.
Escape Pod Fart: You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs through your nose, as discreetly as possible. You smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everyone starts to cough and sputter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.
GNL Fart: Gambled 'n' lost. You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay where you are, but realize tragically that this is much more than a fart...
Growling Fart: Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow never meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a dog at the vets.
Gunshot Fart: Gunshot farts sound just like a gunshot. They are exceedingly rare. In fact they are so rare that most people don't know they even exist. One report says: "I have only witnessed one gunshot fart myself, my own, and almost scared the poop out of my girlfriend who was lying asleep beside me at the time. She thought it was a gunshot, and it was so named. A few others have referred to these rare creatures, so proving their existence.
Hydrated Flatulation (a.k.a Wet Fart): The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants, and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. You might not like this little bugger, but you feel right at home with it.
Not Now! (a.k.a Anal Control Fart): You feel the presence of a mighty fart, and are unable to release it due to your situation. Happens on first dates, at important meetings, and on other such inexcusable occasions. You clench your buttocks together so hard that you nearly give yourself a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends on a number of factors, but Sods law tends to win out in the end.
On The Spot Fart: You didn't even know it was there, but suddenly 'Brrmp'.
Prelude To A Poopie: You feel like you have got a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny squeaker fart, and the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.
Present (a.k.a. 'Time I Wasn't Here' Fart): The type of fart which seems harmless, but then brings a small poopie as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet, and thank God you weren't in a business meeting when it happened. If you were in a business meeting of course, you're screwed.
Silent but Deadly (SBD) Fart: The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything, nasal investigators rarely have time to distinguish an odor.
Sphinctal Napalm: Tends to occur a few hours after a hot curry. Never mind the smell, worry about the burning sensation and the nasty stain you know it must have left.
Squeaky Fart: Sounds like 'Wheeek'. Normally smells foul.
Stalker Fart: Occurs when you leave the room to politely fart elsewhere, and save people the trouble of breathing your flatulent devils breath. You go back into the room, but LO! The foul nasal bombardment has followed you, and you are duly criticized for poor manners.
Tandem Fart: Tandem Farts are the worst smelling and longest lasting farts ever to be recorded. They are so named since they are the only fart that is detectable by the nose on a Tandem bicycle (bicycle built for two) as it is being pedaled. A tandem fart occurs when the captain of the bike farts and the stoker smells it. As you can imagine, the fart most be extremely strong to compete with the wind and to get to the stoker's nose. Extremely disgusting farts off of a tandem are sometimes called Tandem farts, but they can never be confirmed as true Tandem.
Trouser Ripping Special: Sends seismic ripples to the next city. Rips the back of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby at the time will suffer hearing loss.
Underwater Fart: Often done in the bath, or while swimming. Sounds like the engine of a nuclear sub. Can be smelled on rising to the surface, and experienced wind breakers will often catch the fart in an upturned jam jar, in order to set light to them.
Windy Fart: The sort of fart, which goes 'Whoosh', and is more felt than heard. A little like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.
Worrying Fart: The kind that seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the next possible opportunity.

Submitted by one of our wonderful visitors who prefers to remain anonymous.  The originator of this hilarious list is unknown.  If anyone can provide information about the author, we would love to know who it is so we can give them proper credit and/or a link to their site.

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Q: What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?
A: Toast is brown on both sides.

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Did you hear about the Indian who drank 12 gallons of Lipton's?
They found him the next day, dead in his tea-pee.

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John Wayne Toilet Paper

    An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.
    "White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"
    "$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.
    "That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"
    "Charmin is $2.00 a roll and no name is 50 cents a roll."
    The Indian doesn't have much money so he opts for the no name.
    Within a few hours he is back at the trading post. "I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."
    "Why?" asks the confused clerk.
    "Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap off an Indian."

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How to Poop At Work

We've all been there, but don't like to admit it.  We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below.  As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the work poop is inevitable.  For those who hate pooping at work, the following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.  Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure:

ESCAPEE.  Definition:  A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall.  This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment.  This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car while speeding.  If you release and Escapee, do not acknowledge it.  Pretend it did not happen.  If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.  No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved.  Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

• JAILBREAK.  (Used in conjunction with Escapee.)  Definition:  When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.  This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.  If this should happen, do not panic.  Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

• COURTESY FLUSH.  Definition:  The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location.  This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the "walk of shame."

• WALK OF SHAME.  Definition:  Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom.  This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you.  As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.  Can be avoided with the use of the "courtesy flush."

• OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.  Definition:  A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.  You will often see an "Out of the Closet Pooper" enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm.  Always look around the office for the "Out of the Closet Pooper" before entering the bathroom.

• THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).  Definition:  A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.  This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of "Out of the Closet Poopers" and identify "Save Havens."

• SAVE HAVENS.  Definition:  A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors.  Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.  This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

• TURD BURGLAR.  Definition:  A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tires to force the door open.  This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work.  If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.  This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

• CAMO-COUGH.  Definition:  A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall.  This can be used to cover-up a "Watermelon," or to alert potential Turd Burglars.  Very effective when used in conjunction with an "Astaire."

• ASTAIRE.  Definition:  A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall.  This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied.  If you hear an "Astaire," leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

• WATERMELON.  Definition:  A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.  This is also an embarrassing incident.  If you feel a "watermelon" coming on, create a diversion.  See "Camo-Cough."

• HAVANA OMELET.  Definition:  A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water.  Often accompanied by an "Escapee."  Try using a "Camo-Cough" with an "Astaire."

• UNCLE TED.  Definition:  A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.  Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.  An "Uncle Ted" makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty.  This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

• FLY BY.  Definition:  The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.  Walk in and check for other poopers.  If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.  Be careful not to become a "Frequent Flyer."  People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

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Here's some poo definitions submitted by Karen:

• Ghost Poo:  You know you've pooed. There's poo on the toilet paper, but not in the toilet. Where is it?

• Teflon Poo:  So slick and easy you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.

• Goo Poo:  This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe twelve times and you still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't soil it. Permanent skid marks are left in the toilet (and maybe in your pants!).

• Second Thoughts Poo:  You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you realize... there's more to come.

• Pop A Vein In Your Forehead Poo:  This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

• Weight Watchers Poo:  You poo so much you lose several pounds.

• Right Now Poo:  You'd better be within thirty seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber to get there and it usually gets its head out before you can get your pants down.

• King Kong Poo:  This one is so big you think it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger usually works well. This kind of poo usually happens when you're at someone else's house.

• Cork Poo:  Also known as "floaters". Even after the third flush it's still there, floating in the bowl. My God! How do I get rid of it?

• Wet Cheeks Poo:  This poo hits the water sideways and makes a bigger splash than the launching of the QE2, soaking your starfish.

• Wish Poo:  You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poo.

• Cement Block Poo:  You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you pooed.

• Snake Poo:  This poo is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least three feet long.

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    Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said, "Oh, Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy." 
    Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!" 
    "Oh Jack", she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped, "It helps her constipation, you know." So Jack sold her the brandy. 
    Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine? And she was snockered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around, and flapping her arms like a bird right there on the sidewalk. 
    A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame!! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!" 
    Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied "And so it is. When she sees me, she's gonna shit." 

~~~~~

    Two guys are in a locker room taking a shower after their racquetball game when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
    "If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
    "I can't", lamented the first guy. "It's permanently stuck in my butt."
    "How the heck did that happen?" asked the other guy.
    The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old Genie came oozing out. He said, "I am a Genie. I can grant you one wish."
    Unfortunately, I said, "No shit."

~~~~~

Fifty four percent of Americans fold their toilet tissue neatly while 35 percent wad it into a ball before using it.

More than sixty percent prefer that their toilet paper roll over the top, twenty nine percent from the bottom. The rest don't care.

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Q: What happens when you eat beans and peanut butter?
A: You get a fart that sticks to the roof of your ass!

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Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

~~~~~

This story was told to me by a college professor. He was relaying a story he heard earlier and this is what he told me about.

    He was approached after class by a young woman that wanted to compliment him on his lecture. The topic of the lecture was about marriages and why some go bad. She was the granddaughter of a couple that had been married for nearly 50 years. To his delight, everything was great. Especially since the wife in the relationship was able to rectify a small problem they had for nearly the entire relationship.
    Apparently, the husband had a seriously bad habit. Every morning when he woke up he would fart. A very loud, smelly, and down right distasteful fart. She was concerned that it was a medical problem and so she made him go to the doctor and every time he would come home and say that the doctor gave him a clean bill of health. And so the next morning he would let out a loud fart and she would also in turn yell at him and warn him that one day, despite what doctors say, that he is going to fart his guts out. He then would chuckle, fluff the sheets, make a crack about it being a normal part of life, and go about his business.
    Well one morning, she woke up early and went into the kitchen to start on Thanksgiving dinner. She made the cranberry sauce, and the yams, and then started on the turkey. She pulled out all the giblets, gizzards, and the neck and set them aside when brilliance struck. She took the bowl, tip-toed down the hall, opened the bedroom door oh-so-quietly, gently pulled back the blankets and sheets, cautiously pulled back his jockey shorts, and proceeded to place the turkey parts in his briefs. She then replaced all of the garments and went back into the kitchen to do her work.
    Well about an hour went by and it was time, she waited for the alarm, and then like clock-work, she heard the ever-so-pungent ass-trumpeting. But this time it was followed by a scream and footsteps to the bathroom where it all ended with a loud slam of the bathroom door. It took everything in her power to keep from doubling over in laughter. It took her about 18-20 minutes to compose herself long enough to check on her dear husband, she found him coming out of the bathroom white as a sheet. He stopped, looked at her and said "Honey, I am so sorry. All those years I have done that horribly nasty thing and I got away with it. I am so sorry."
    Ever so comely she asked him what happened, and he said, "Well, you know all those times you said that one day I would fart my guts out. Well, today it happened" He lifted his hand, produced his index and middle finger and said, "But by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them all back in!!"
    Hope you understand the punch line. Have a good day!

Submitted by Sergiu

We had so many links for other good Web sites with Toilet & Bathroom Humor
so we made a separate page!  See our special page for:
TOILET & BATHROOM LINKS

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This page was last edited 03/30/05.