Constipated people don't give a crap.

~~~~~

The Final Stage

     There were four guys who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. They were from Harvard, Yale, MIT, and Texas A&M.  The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview. Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told the men that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.
     The next day, the first applicant called in was from Harvard. The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
     The young man thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought." "Why do you say that?" asked the president. "Well, a thought takes no time at all...it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again." "Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.
     Next the same question was posed to the young man from Yale, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"  The young man paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."  "Why?" asked the president. "Because you don't even think about a blink, it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant."  The president thanked him, then called in the next person.
     The young man from MIT was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say electricity. Why? Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on."  "I see, very good," replied the president.
     Then, the young man from Texas A&M was called in. He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"  "That's easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhea!"  Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?" "Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it cut loose!"
     (He got the job....)

~~~~~

     Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets out a scream.
     His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling. He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, "K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it better."
     Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!"

Submitted by SandyD

~~~~~

     As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.
     The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
     I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of
mustard on my fingers.
     I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard.
     No man ever put a baby down faster.
     It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
     Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon!'"

~~~~~

     A little fella walks into a bar. Unfortunately there is a pile of dog shit just inside the door, and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself up and walks to the bar and buys a drink.
     A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of shit, falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink.
     The little guy turns to the big guy and, trying to strike up a conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that."
     The big guy punched him in the mouth.

Submitted by Tom

~~~~~

    Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
    Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.
    When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
    "Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
    "So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"
    "Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."

Submitted by Cicec@aol.com

~~~~~

    In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.
    The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.
    After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
    The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
    Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on it's head!"

~~~~~

Confucious says:  Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

~~~~~

    According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
    Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.  She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.
    Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers and then there are TEACHERS.

~~~~~

    One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more that five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

~~~~~

Good Old Sayings...

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

~~~~~

    Two blondes and a brunette were walking down the beach when a seagull dumps a load on one of the blondes. 
    The brunette says "I'll go and get some toilet paper."
    When she left, one blonde turns to the other and says, "Boy, is she ever stupid. By the time she gets back, that seagull will be miles away."

~~~~~

FUNNY HEADLINES & CLASSIFIED ADS:

Bill's Septic Cleaning
"We Haul American Made Products"

Get A Little John!
The Traveling Urinal Holds 2-1/2 Bottles of Beer!

Headline:
"Gas Cloud Clears Out Taco Bell"

Spotted in a toilet in a London Office:
Toilet out of order.
Please use floor below.

Saw it in a washroom stall:
"To avoid flooding please do not flush anything but toilet paper."
Submitted by Phil Sullivan

~~~~~

     Once upon a time, there were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladamir).  Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladamir had no success.
     Vladamir: "Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?"
     Vito: "Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret....just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public."
     Vladamir: "OK. Its a deal."
     Vito: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedos. When the women see it they come running from miles around."
     Vladamir: "That's it? I can do that."
     The next day, Vladamir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedos.  As he walked out onto the beach he immediately noticed that women AND men began to take notice of him.
     "It's working!" he thought. But soon he began to realize that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him.
     He rushed over to Vito and asked "Vito, what's the problem? Why isn't it working?"
     Vito: "Because you're supposed to put the potato in the front!"

~~~~~

    An elderly lady complains to the M.D. that she passes gas many times a day. "It's really more of a nuisance than a problem," she explains, "They're silent and they don't smell." The M.D. gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a week. 
    She returns and says, "I don't know what it was you gave me, doc, but I still pass gas all the time, it is still silent, but it smells terribly!" 
    The M.D. replies, "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll see what we can do for your hearing." 

~~~~~

    Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.  "It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
    "I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
    "Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night."
    "No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
    "Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

~~~~~

Confucious says:  Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

~~~~~

Q.  Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
A.  To find Pooh.

~~~~~

The Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as necessary.  When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

~~~~~

Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages them.

~~~~~

We had so many links for other good Web sites with Toilet & Bathroom Humor
so we made a separate page!  See our special page for:
TOILET & BATHROOM LINKS

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This page was last edited 03/30/05.