A man walks into a bar and sits down.  The bartender asks the man what he wants.  The man says, "Give me a Bud Lite."
    When the bartender brings him the beer, he notices the guy pokes at his hand and starts talking.  When he stops talking, the bartender asks, "What are you doing with your hand on your face?"
    The guy says, "A while ago I was hit by lightning and from then on my hand became a cell phone."
    The bartender says, "Oh!  You're full of it!"
    So the guy says, "If you don't believe me, then here!  Tell me your phone number and I will dial it.
    The bartender says, "Dial 654-8967."
    The guy did so and hands the phone to the bartender who talks with his wife and kids.
    After a few drinks, the guy goes into the bathroom.  Two other guys come in and the bartender asks they if they saw the guy whose hand is a cell phone.  The two guys say "Oh, you're full of it!"  The bartender tells them if they don't believe him, then wait until he comes out of the bathroom and they can see for themselves.
    After about 15 minutes the guy still hadn't come out of the bathroom so the bartender goes to check on him. When the bartender goes into the bathroom he sees the guy standing there pants down and toilet paper rolling out of his butt. The bartender asks, "What the hell are you doing?"
    The guy says, "Hold on a second!  I'm getting a fax!"

Submitted by Ricky2Kool4u

~~~~~

     A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
     A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
     The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.
     "What's all the screaming about in there?  You're scaring my customers!"
     "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
     With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot!  You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"

Submitted by Sue

~~~~~

     Sister Mary Catherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Catherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."
    "Sister Mary Catherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
     "Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "it helps her constipation, you know."
     So Jack sold her the brandy.
     Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Catherine. And she was hammered.   She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.
     A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Catherine! For Shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
     Sister Mary Catherine didn't miss a beat as replied: "And so it is me lad, so it is. When she sees me she's going to shit!"

Submitted by Sandy

~~~~~

Did you hear about Robin Hood's house?
It has a little John.

~~~~~

     One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
     Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
     Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask.
     "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart.

Submitted by WAX

~~~~~

    A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me." She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun you weigh 128 lbs and you are going to Chicago."
    She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells the same thing to everyone, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, and you're going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.
    Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again." Back to the machine. In goes her nickel, out comes the card which said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago and you're going to break wind." Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life!" Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.
    Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it one more time." She goes back to the machine, puts in a nickel and collected the card. This time the card says, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."

Submitted by Ray

~~~~~

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know - it's never happened.

~~~~~

     This was on the Leno show 9-7-99.   Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner told about her first date experience.
     She said it was snowing and cold and the guy took her skiing. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, and truly had
never met before.
     The date went OK until they were coming back that afternoon.   They were going along in the car and she had to pee real bad, but it was still about an hour more back to civilization. He said she should try to hold it, and she did . . . for a while. It finally came to the point where she told him that he could either stop and let her pee beside the road, or in the front seat of his car.
     They stopped and she went out beside the car and pulled her pants down and started. Well, she didn't have real good balance, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. He was a real gentleman and looked the other way.
     When she was finished, she quickly noticed that her warm butt had stuck to the fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handle nightmares immediately came to mind and she soon realized that she had a real problem. She was thinking of every way she could to get released from his fender. He was getting a bit concerned too, and finally cried out to her asking if she was OK. Well, with a red face, she said she was freezing her butt off!
     She finally had to ask for assistance. Now this isn't the worst of the story, there's more to come. She took off her sweater and  covered herself as good as she could and asked him to come around to see if he could help. After the laughter subsided, they assessed the situation. They had a real problem. They agreed that they needed something warm to melt her butt off of the fender.
     Thinking about the pee that she just sprinkled on the ground made her think that pee is about the only thing that they had that could get her free. Well, after exploring every other possible solution, she looked the other way, and so did he, and proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. The rest of the trip home there wasn't much conversation.

~~~~~

     A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little hole.
     One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell French toast!"
     The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell pancakes!"
     The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way.
     So he says, "Geez, all I can smell is molasses."

~~~~~

Thumbnail View

~~~~~

Forrest Gump is wrong,
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates,
it's like a jar of jalapenos.
You never know when it's going to burn your ass.

~~~~~

     A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite.
     Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent.  The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their Mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.
     A nearby camper marveled at the youngsters.  He then told the Father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."
     The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

Submitted by AA

~~~~~

     Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
     Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
     "I have? A suppository?"
     He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

~~~~~

     A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
     Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
     Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
     Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
    The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
    Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?!"

Submitted by CZ

~~~~~

"....This research is necessary because Americans are unhappy with the wimpy toilets we are now required to buy. We yearn for the glory years, when our toilets were among the most powerful on earth -- when the standard American household commode could, in a single flush, as proven in actual tests, suck down a mature sheep. 
     (Before I get a lot of mail from angry animal-rights activists, let me stress that these tests did NOT use an actual sheep. That would be barbaric! They used two goats tied together.)...."

Dave Barry
Toilet Testers Strive to Come Out No. 2

~~~~~

What Kind Of Farter Are You?

• Vain:  You love the smell of your own farts.

• Amiable:  You love the smell of other people's farts.

• Proud:  You think your farts are exceptionally fine.

• Shy:  You release silent farts and then blush.

• Impudent:  You boldly fart out loud and then laugh.

• Unfortunate:  You try really hard to fart, but you poop instead.

• Scientific:  You fart regularly but you're concerned about pollution.

• Nervous:  You stop in the middle of your fart.

• Honest:  You admit that you farted but offer good medical reasons.

• Dishonest:  You far and then blame the dog.

• Foolish:  You suppress your farts for hours.

• Thrifty:  You always keep a couple of good farts in reserve.

• Anti-Social:  When the need arises, you excuse yourself from the room and fart in private.

• Strategic:  You fart and then conceal it with loud coughing.

• Sadistic:  You fart in bed and then pull the cover up over your partner's head.

• Intellectual:  You can determine from the smell of any fart exactly what food item had been consumed.

• Athletic:  You fart at the slightest exertion.

• Miserable:  You would love to let one out, but you are unable to fart.

• Sensitive:  You fart and then start crying.

The first toilet ever seen on television in the US was on "Leave It To Beaver."
Submitted by Cupycake

~~~~~

Green Bay, Wisconsin produces the most toilet paper in the world.

~~~~~

Rats really can get in your toilet!
Read a really interesting article by Cecil Adams from TheStraightDope.com (one of our favorite Web sites) See: http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_029.html

~~~~~

We had so many links for other good Web sites with Toilet & Bathroom Humor
so we made a separate page!  See our special page for:
TOILET & BATHROOM LINKS

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This page was last edited 10/26/05.