A child was watching his mother sift through and delete a long list of junk E-mail on the computer screen.
    "This reminds me of the Lord's Prayer," the child said.
    "What do you mean?" the mother asked.
    "You know.  That part about 'deliver us from E-mail."

~~~~~

    Two priests die at the same time and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter says, "I'd like to get you guys in now but our computers are down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"
    The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
    "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
    The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will you be keeping track of us, St. Peter ?"
    "No, I told you the computer is down. There's no way we can keep track of what you are doing. This week's a freebie."
    "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
    "So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
    A week goes by, the computer is fixed and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
    "Will you have trouble locating them?" He asks.
    "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rocky Mountains, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
    "Why?" asks the Lord.
    "Because he's on a snow tire somewhere in Alaska."

Submitted by ADMPR

~~~~~

     A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
     The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
     The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
     Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks gain accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
     The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
     The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
     The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
     The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
     The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
     The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
     The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"
     The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst.
     Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
     But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Submitted by Pouderpuf

~~~~~

    A nun is waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me." She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun you weigh 128 lbs and you are going to Chicago."
    She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells the same thing to everyone, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, and you're going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.
    Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again." Back to the machine. In goes her nickel, out comes the card which said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago and you're going to break wind." Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life!" Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.
    Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it one more time." She goes back to the machine, puts in a nickel and collected the card. This time the card says, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."

Submitted by Ray

~~~~~

Church Bulletins

Here are some Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins.

• Don't let worry kill you -- Let the church help.

• Thursday night -- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and the community.

• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

• Tuesday at 4:-00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

• Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

• Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

• The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water," One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.

• Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" -- come early and listen to our choir practice.

Submitted by Qiltmeister

~~~~~

~~~~~

The Sins of Three Nuns

    There are three nuns and a Mother Superior.  The Mother Superior tells the three nuns that before they can receive their Saint name they had one final test.  She told them to go commit one sin so that they would not have urges to be bad.
    After the three nuns return, the Mother Superior says, "Did you commit your sins?"  They all shake their heads yes.  The first two nuns are crying, the third is giggling.
    The Mother Superior says to the first one, "What sin did you commit child?"
    The first nun answers with tears in her eyes. "I was just rotten, I picked flowers from someone's garden."
    The Mother Superior says, "Go drink the Holy Water and it will be alright."  The third nun is dancing around in laughter.
    The Mother Superior asks the second one.  Her whole body is shaking and she is crying. "I stole candy from a baby."
    The Mother Superior says, "My child, drink the Holy Water and you are forgiven.
    The third nun falls on the floor hysterically laughing.  The Mother Superior is disgusted and asks, "What are you laughing at?"
    The third nun is barely able to answer through her tears of laughter, "I peed in the Holy Water."

~~~~~

Arthritis
Submitted by SANA65

     A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
     After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
     "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
     Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
     The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
     "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

~~~~~

"Bible Story"

    A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
    His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

Submitted by SandyD

~~~~~

     Three friars were banished from their monastery for various rule violations, so they decided to start a business together. They traveled around until they found a town that they liked, and opened up a plant shop. Their floral business was soon thriving.
     One day, a woman was shopping at the friar's store, and while she was strolling down an aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached out, grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless to say, the women was quite upset at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to believe that one of their plants could have done such a thing. The woman told all of her friends about the incident, and soon everyone in the town was in an uproar. They decided to kick the friars out of town. Every person in the town, except for a man named Hugh, gathered outside of the friars shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding that they leave. But the friars said "No. We're not leaving". So the townspeople gave up and went home.
     Well, a couple weeks later, another woman was walking through the friar's shop, looking at plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed her child and ate it.  She ran through the streets screaming that a plant had swallowed her baby.  The townspeople were outraged, and again gathered outside the floral shop (except for Hugh), waving torches, and demanding that the friars leave town at once.
     But the friars said, "No way." and all the people gave up and went home.
     A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into the floral shop. She held her infant tightly in her arms, but it was no use. A large ficus wrestled the child from her arms, and ate it.
     When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They again gathered outside the friar's store (except for Hugh), yelling and threatening bodily harm to the friars if they didn't leave town. But the friars said, "We're staying". So, the citizens gave up and began to go home. Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the friars, and said, "Get out of town, now!". The friars immediately packed up all their belongings and fled that very day, never to be heard from again.

The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Submitted by SandyD

~~~~~

If God dropped acid, would he see people? -- George Carlin

~~~~~

    A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was leaving the room after paying a visit, and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side."
    Very quietly the doctor said, "I don't know."
    "You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?"
    The doctor was holding the handle of the door, on the other side of which came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
    Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing: I know my Master is there, and that is enough. And when the door opens, I shall pass through with no fear, but with gladness."

~~~~~

    One sunny day a Catholic, Baptist, and Methodist were going fishing. Right after they left, the Catholic realized that he had left his supplies on the shore. He got out of the boat, walked on the water, got his supplies on the shore, and walked back on the water and got back into the boat.
    Then, the Baptist realized that they did not have enough bait. he got out of the boat, walked on the water, bought a pack of bait, and walked back on the water and got back into the boat.
    Then, the Methodist realized that his watch was not working, and he wanted to buy a new one. He took it off, got out of the boat, but sunk all the way down to the bottom of the ocean.
    Then, the Catholic and the Baptist looked at each other and said, "Oops, I guess we should have told him were the rocks are!"

Submitted by SportBoy712

~~~~~

    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman.
    "The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"
    "Yes, Father, `tis I."
    "And who might be the woman you were with?"
    "I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."
    "Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
    "I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"
    "I'll never tell."
    "Was it Lisa O'Shanter?"
    "I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
    "Was it Cathy O'Dell?"
    "My lips are sealed."
    "Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"
    "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
    The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."
    Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
    "Five more good leads!" says Tommy

Submitted by Steffanchi

~~~~~

    A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation. "It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them.  And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare them."

~~~~~

    The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season.  I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."
    One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

~~~~~

~~~~~

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~~~~~

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