Two Nuns and Dracula

    Two nuns, Sister Anne and Sister Noreen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.  Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
    "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Noreen. "What shall we do?"
    "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Anne.
    Sister Noreen switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
    "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
    "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Anne.
    Sister Noreen turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
    "Show him your cross," says Sister Anne.
    "Now you're talking," says Sister Noreen. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the #(*$&@(*#& off our car!!!!!

~~~~~

    Subject: Church Music

    A minister decided to do something a little different on Sunday morning.  He said, "Today congregation, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.  Whatever word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
     The Pastor yells out, "Cross!"  Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross". The Pastor hollered out, "Grace!"  The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace." The Pastor said, "Power!"  The congregation sang, "There is Power in the Blood."  Then the Pastor said, "Sex!"  The congregation fell in total silence.  Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing..."Precious Memories"

~~~~~

Sister Mary Katherine

    Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store.   One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."
    "Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I  have never sold alcohol to a nun in me life!" "Oh, Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior."
    Her voice dropped, "It helps her constipation, you know." So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he  passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine? And she was  snookered. 
    She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.  A crowd was gathering.
    Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!" Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied, "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's gonna shit!"

Submitted by RMH

~~~~~

    A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
    Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
    The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
    "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
    "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
    "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
    "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
    "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
    "Yep," was the calm reply.
    "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
    "Nope." More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" 
    The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

~~~~~

    Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"
    Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the poor creature."
    Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
    Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!  Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Submitted by Moody

~~~~~

Don't Step on the Ducks

    Three guys die together in an accident and go to Heaven.  When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven -- don't step on the ducks."
    So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
    Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this "ugly woman!"
    The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman.  He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
    The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but
one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on ... a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
    The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
    She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

~~~~~

    Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his own thoughts.
    Finally, one said, "What do you think about all this devil business we studied today?" 
    The other boy replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. This is probably just your Dad, too."

~~~~~

    A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
    They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
    "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
    From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

~~~~~

    A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and, with a nervous laugh asked, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"
    To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."

Submitted by Froglady

~~~~~

    The elder priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to replace the first four pews. It worked. We got the front of the church filled first."
    The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir that packed us to the balcony."
    "So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?"
    "Well", said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
    "But Father," protests the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!
    "I know, my son, but the flashing "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell" neon sign really has to go."

Submitted by Froglady

~~~~~

    A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country.
    He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east to zigzag across the states from there. He went to a very large church and began taking pictures.
    He spotted a golden telephone on a wall and was intrigued by a sign that read: "$10,000.00 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he were to pay the price he could talk directly to God. He thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
    Visiting churches in Seattle, Boise, Denver, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, and other places, he found more phones with the same sign. From each pastor he received the same answer.
    Finally, he arrived in the southeast part of the U.S. Upon entering a church, low and behold, he saw the usual golden telephone, but this time the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents."
    Fascinated, he asked of the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this very same golden telephone, and I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and that I could talk to God. However, in the other churches, the cost was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents per call. Why is that?"
    The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in Florida now. It's a local call."

~~~~~

A Room For The Night

    Many years ago, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod -- one that did not admit Jews.  The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."
    The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."
    The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."
    Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know, I converted to your religion."
    The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.  How was Jesus born?"
    Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."
    "Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
    Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
    "That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"
    Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

~~~~~

    A young woman decided she wanted to become a nun, went to the convent and petitioned the Mother Superior to join the order. The Mother Superior warned her that it was an order who were silent and she would have to take the vows of silence to join. She agreed and began her training.
    After ten years, the Mother Superior called her in and said, 'Now that you have been silent for the past ten years, you may say two words."
    The nun says, " Hard beds."
    Ten more years went by and again the Mother Superior called the nun to her and said. " You have been here twenty years. You may say two more words."
    The nun said, "Bad food."
    Ten more years went by -same call - nun reports.  Mother Superior says, "You've been here thirty years and you may say two more words."
    Nun says, "I quit!"
    Mother Superior says, "That's the trouble with you young nuns, all you do is bitch, bitch, bitch!"

Submitted by "Just a layman."

~~~~~

     A little boy goes to church and prays to God and says "God, will you please send me a bicycle?"
     The Minister had overheard the little child's prayer and says "My son, I don't think God is going to give you a bicycle." 
     The next day, the same little boy goes to the same church and prays to God and says "God, will you please send me a bicycle?"
      The same minister then comes to the child and tells him "My child, I don't think that God is going to give you that bicycle."
      Then finally on the third day, the little boy goes back to the church and takes the statue of the Blessed Virgin. The minister going about his rounds in the church immediately rushes over to the scene upon noticing the missing statue. The minister then finds a small note in the statue's place and reads it and it says, "Dear God, if you ever wanna see your mother again, you had better give me that bicycle."

Submitted by Dinoboy38

Jawtoons.com Weekly Religious Cartoon

~~~~~

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