Voice Mail

    We have all learned to live with "voice mail" as a necessary part of modern life. But have you wondered what if God decided to install voice mail?  Imagine praying and hearing this:
    "Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one of the following options:
    Press 1 for Requests
    Press 2 for Thanksgiving
    Press 3 for Complaints
    Press 4 for All Other Inquiries."
    What if God used the familiar excuse...
    "I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other saints right now. However, your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order it was received, so please stay on the line."  If you would like to speak to:
    Gabriel, Press 1
    Michael, Press 2
    For a directory of other angels, Press 3
    If you'd like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, please press 4.
    To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her social security number, then press the pound key. (If you get a negative response, try area code 777.)
    For reservations at "My Father's House," please enter J-O-H-N, followed by 3-1-6.
    For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.
    Our computers show that you have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow so that others may have a chance to get through.
    This office is closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
    Please pray again Monday after 9:30 am. If you need emergency assistance when this office is closed, contact your local pastor."
    Thank God (today) that He doesn't have voice mail and He listens whenever we pray and that will never change.

~~~~~

Seen on a T-Shirt:
(Picture of an open Bible on the front of the shirt, this is on the back):
When All Else Fails, Read the Directions

~~~~~

Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent?  He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.

~~~~~

Bride High-Fives The Minister

    At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my hand to give the final blessing.
    The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a high-five.
    Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five, too.
    I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter of the guests.

~~~~~

There are three truths in life:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Two Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

~~~~~

My husband is very religious.
He won't work if there's a Sunday in the week.

Submitted by RH

~~~~~

Three Hymns

    The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
    After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
    He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
    A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.
    Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.
    Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

~~~~~

    "I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
    "I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.
    "It's not a reflection on you, sir," she insisted. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."

~~~~~

    A young man visited his sister who was married to a farmer in a poor district of the country. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew.
    When the young man came into the bedroom, he saw the little boy kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed. The child looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"
    "Why, the same thing you're doing", replied the uncle.
    "Ma's gonna be mad", said the boy. "The pot's on this side".

~~~~~

Signs seen at churches:

"How will you spend eternity?
Smoking or Non-smoking?"

"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives."

"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low.  But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

~~~~~

Actual clipping from church bulletins:

• Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

• Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

• Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

• "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

• Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

• The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

• The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

• Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

• The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

• Smile at someone who is hard to love.

• Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

• Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.

• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

• The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy sinning to join the choir.

• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

• The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

• Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

• The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

• Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.-prayer and medication to follow.

• The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.

• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

• Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

~~~~~

Click here for Links to Other Religious Humor Web Sites

~~~~~

Other relevant links:

Find schools offering Religious Studies Degrees Online.
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This page was last edited 03/26/08.