The Steeple

The church steeple in Port Gibson is very high and was being painted on a rather hot day. The painter was about half way down and, as the steeple was widening out, was taking more paint. The painter felt that he might not have enough paint to finish. Since he was hot and tired, and did not care to make another trip to the ground, he decided to stretch the amount of paint by adding some paint thinner to it. When finished, he lowered himself to the ground and went about cleaning up. Then he looked up to see the results of his work and noted that the area with the thinned paint looked decidedly different. He was pondering about what to do about it when the sky turned dark and there was a lightning flash and loud thunderclap.

Then in a loud, booming voice from the sky came the words, " REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE!"

Submitted by Cicec

~~~~~

      Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.  He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close down, but they would not. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They would not.
      So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close their business. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that:
      Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Submitted by SassyLD1
Always tell the truth...it's easier to remember!!
http://www.sassy1.com

~~~~~

     A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
     "No, not at all!" the woman replied.
     They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave,   he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.   "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few."
     "Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

Submitted by HomeRn123

~~~~~

     A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to spend the day hiking in the wilderness. Rounding a sharp bend in the trail, he collided with a bear and was sent tumbling down a steep grade. He landed on a rock and broke both legs.
     With the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, the preacher prayed, "O Lord, I'm so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish -- make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me!"
     At that very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to his knees, clasped his paws together, and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet:  "Dear God, please bless this food I am about to receive."

Submitted by DkSdBubba

~~~~~

    A Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Baptist pastor and their wives were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.
     First came the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly.  "I can't let you in You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."
     Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"
     The Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Fanny."

Submitted by DkSdBubba

~~~~~

     A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
     The Rabbi responds "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
     The Priest then asks "Have you ever eaten pork?"
     To which the Rabbi replies "Yes on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork." The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
     A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
     The Priest replied "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
     The Rabbi then asked him "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
     The Priest replied "Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
     The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better than pork isn't it?"

~~~~~

    A man trying to understand the nature of God and asked him: "God, how long is a million years to you?"
    God answered: " A million years is like a minute."
    Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
    And God replied: "A million dollars is like a penny."
    Finally the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?" And God said, "In a minute."

Submitted by BBuzz58

~~~~~

I Stand at the Door

    A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.
    The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10".
    Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me."
    Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

~~~~~

    Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them.
    "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."
    The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up.
    "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."
    Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." 
    So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned. Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.
    "For cryin' out loud, lady," God said. "I sent three boats."

~~~~~

    A four-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.
    He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited ... and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

~~~~~

    The local parish had a fairly new priest. He had wonderful, innovative ideas that were, for the most part accepted by the congregation. 
    His mentor - a "higher ranking" priest came for a visit - to see how he was doing. After looking the parish over, the senior priest said, "Father John, your idea of a drive-through confessional is wonderful. That makes it so convenient for your church members.
    "And, Father John, it was a really good idea to have the confessional open 24 hours a day, for those who work "shift" work.  However, Father John... that flashing neon sign that says "TOOT and TELL or GO to HELL" ... well, it has got to go!!"

Submitted by SueC

~~~~~

    Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.
    "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
    "I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.
    "The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
    "Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
    "That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
    "Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
    "You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
    "Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
    "Pew," Charlie retorted.
    "Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

~~~~~

    There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their Senior year in High School. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation became priests.
    Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all  respects.  Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.
    In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.  In less time than anyone expected smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see who they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant, and secular was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope.
    Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated because, even with all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was the better  qualified.  With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?'
    After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered  Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola.

Submitted by SandyD

~~~~~

Subject: Sara Pipalini

     Three Italian nuns die and go to Heaven where St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates.
     St. Peter says, "Ladies you have all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."
     First Nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF, she's gone.
     Second Nun says, "I want to be Madonna" and POOF, she's gone.
     The Third Nun says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
     St. Peter looks perplexed, "Who?"
     "Sara Pipalini!" replies the nun.
     St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
     The nun then takes 'The New York Times' newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
     St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing.
     He hands it back to her and says, "No, Sister, this says SAHARA PIPELINE laid by 500 men in seven days."

Submitted by Cicec

~~~~~

   After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
    The Pope says, "What can I do?"
    The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."
    The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words."
    So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.
    "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
    And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."
    So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."
    The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."
    So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."
    The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.
    The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

Submitted by SLGraber

~~~~~

Holy Hole in One

    There once was a priest who really loved to play golf. He awoke one Sunday morning to a beautiful sunny day and thought, "I've just got to play golf today!"
    He called over the assistant priest and told him he didn't feel well and asked him to say mass for him. The assistant priest agreed and the priest snuck out the back door with his golf bag.
    An angel in heaven, after watching all of this, went to God and said, "He is ditching his duties to go play golf. He should be punished!"  God replied that He would keep an eye on the situation.
    The priest decided to drive a long distance away to ensure he wasn't seen by anyone from his church. He took his first shot and got a hole in one!  As the priest danced around celebrating his good fortune, the angel went to God and said, "God, I am surprised at you! That doesn't seem to be a severe punishment to me!"
    God replied, "Who is he going to tell?" 

Compliments of Chance 

~~~~~

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This page was last edited 03/26/08.