JOKES
&CARTOONS Police & Law
Enforcement Humor - Page 2
Jokes, Cartoons, Quips, One-Liners
and other stuff... See Police Humor Page 1 for Links
To Relevant Web Sites ENJOY!
A man has too much to drink at
a party. His friends offer to drive him home, but the says no--he
only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull
him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a call for a robbery taking
place in a house just a block away.
The police tell him to stay put; they will be right back -
and they run down the street to the robbery.
After a few minutes, the man decides to drive home. When he
gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might
come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later, the police knock on the door. They ask if
a Mr. X lives there, and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies
that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police ask to
see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes
them to the garage and opens the door--where they find the police car,
lights still flashing.
~~~~~
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the
accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to
court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what
happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted,
"just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine'?".
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the
trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying
to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying
to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the
question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's
answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying,
I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this
huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I
was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and
didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in terrible shape just by her groans. "Shortly after the accident, a Highway
Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went
over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his
hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.'
"Then he said, 'How are YOU feeling?'"
Submitted byBubba
~~~~~
Newspaper Headline: Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on.
~~~~~
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"
"Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
~~~~~
It's a Groaner...
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was
drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.
~~~~~
A man was driving down the
road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.
Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing
the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the
camera.
Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it!
So he turned and, going a snail's pace, he passed the camera.
AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have
a fault, and home he went.
Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all
for not wearing a seatbelt.
~~~~~
John Screwbrake got pulled over for speeding. He showed the cop his
driver's license, told him his name. and said his wife was having a baby at the local hospital and he needed to get to there fast. The cop didn't
believe him, but decided to check out his story before he gave him a ticket. The cop went down to the hospital and rushed on inside. The
first person he met was a nurse in the hallway. So he asked "Do you have a Screwbrake here?"
She said "Hell no! We're so busy, we don't even have time for a coffee break."
~~~~~
One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from her license. The instructor, a
police officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began.
Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?"
The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket."
The officer let him in.
~~~~~
One day my mother sent my little brother to the
Post Office to mail a letter. A few minutes later he came back with a suspicious smile on his face. "What happened?" my mother asked.
"I just fooled the! people at the Post Office. When no one was looking, I dropped the letter into the box without buying any stamps."
~~~~~
A 16-year-old boy was driving a moped down a one-way street in the wrong direction.
A
policeman stopped him and gave him a ticket. The policeman paid the ticket himself.
What is a logical explanation for this?
~~~~~
A Police Officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: "May I see your driver's license?"
Driver: "I don't have one, it was suspended when I got my
fifth DUI."
Officer: "May I see the owner's card for this
vehicle?"
Driver: "It's not my car, I stole it."
Officer: "The car is stolen?"
Driver: "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."
Officer: "There's a gun in the glove box?"
Driver: "Yes, Sir! That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her body in the trunk."
Officer: "There's a BODY in the TRUNK ?!?!?"
Driver: "Yes, Sir!"
Hearing this, the officer immediately drew his gun on the driver and called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver, gun drawn to handle the tense situation.
Captain: "Sir, can I see your license?"
Driver: "Sure. Here it is." It was valid.
Captain.: "Who's car is this?"
Driver: "It's mine officer. Here's the owner's card."
The driver owned the car.
Captain.: "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see
what's in it?"
Driver: "Yes Sir!" Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain.: "Would you mind opening your trunk?
I was told you said there's a body in it."
Driver: "No problem." Trunk is opened --- no body.
Captain: "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk."
Driver: "Yeah, I'll bet the lying SOB told you I was speeding, too."
Submitted by Bubba
~~~~~
The
Revised Miranda Rights!
You are under arrest and...
No,
I don't care who you are.
No,
I don't care who you know.
Yes...
you DO pay my salary.
Yes...
you CAN have my job.
No,
I don't have anything better to do.
Yes,
I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.
No,
I am not picking on you because you are________ (fill in).
No,
I can't give you a break.
No,
I don't know your friend, Officer __________(fill in).
Yes,
you will be allowed to make a phone call.
Yes,
I'm sure you will never do it again.
No,
we can't talk about it.
Yes,
it DOES make me happy.
Yes,
you WILL see me in court.
Thank
you, have a nice day.
Your Arresting Officer __________(fill in)
~~~~~
A Sleuth in the Making
The local sheriff would be well
advised to continue his search for a smart deputy. Not-so-bright Herman went in to apply
for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," Herman replied instantly.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant,
but of course, he's right." Then he asked, "What two days of the week start with
the letter 'T'?
"Today and tomorrow," Herman answered.
Again the sheriff was surprised that Herman had supplied a
correct answer he'd never considered. "Now,
listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" the sheriff asked. Herman looked a
little surprised, thought really hard for a minute, then admitted, "I don't
know."
"Well," said the sheriff, "Well, why don't you go
home and work on that one for a while?"
Hopeful Herman left the office and wandered over to the barber
shop, where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. "It went
great!" he enthused. "First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder
case!"
Submitted SandyD707
~~~~~
Police Quotes
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I
guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the
shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and
my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used
to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
Submitted by Lee
~~~~~
The Chauffeur
Pope John-Paul II was heading off on a private trip from the Vatican and
decided to dispense with the armored Pope-mobile, choosing a luxury limousine instead. The chauffeur packed all of the Pope's luggage into the
limo and then noticed that the Pope was standing on the footpath, rather than taking his seat in the back.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," said the driver,
"Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, my friend," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican,
and I'd really like to have a drive today."
"I'm sorry, but I cannot let you do that, Your Eminence. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?" protested the driver, hoping the old
man would just forget it and hop in the back seat.
"Your job will be safe, I will be safe and who knows, there might even be
something extra in it for you," replied the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver got into the back of the limo and let the Pope
climb behind the wheel. But almost immediately, the driver regretted his
decision, as the Pontiff had put his foot to the floor and accelerated the limo to
180 kmh.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleaded the worried driver from the
back of the car, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal until they heard the
sound of police sirens.
"Oh, wonderful. Now I'm really gonna get in
trouble!" moaned the hapless chauffeur.
The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman
approached. The cop took one look at him, raced back to his motorcycle and radioed back to police headquarters.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatcher.
The Chief got on the radio and the patrolman explained that he'd stopped a
limo doing a hundred and eighty.
"So bust him." said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that... he's really
important!" said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, no, I mean REALLY important!" said the cop.
"So who have you got there, the Mayor?"
"Bigger."
"The Governor?"
"Bigger."
"Well," says the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I think it's God!"
"GOD? What makes you think it's God?"
"Well, He's got the Pope driving for him."
