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ButlerWebs welcomes you to... |
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Health &
Medical Humor -
Page 3 |
Jokes, Cartoons, Quips, One-Liners, and other
funny stuff
about doctors, patients, hospitals, health, diet, fitness, medicine, etc.
ENJOY!
Scroll down to see the
jokes!
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The Health
& Medical Humor Pages:
Health & Medical -
Page 1
Health & Medical -
Page 2
Health & Medical - Page 3
(You're on this page now! Scroll down to
see the jokes.)
Dental Humor
Diet & Fitness Humor
Mammogram &
Menopause Humor
Links for
Other Medical Humor Sites
~~~~~
A lady came to the hospital to
visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and
felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician
followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine
with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that
thing," she said.
"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a
floor-cleaning machine."
~~~~~
Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
~~~~~
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Doctor Stories...
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
~~~~~
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more that five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
"massive internal fart."
~~~~~
I was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me. This is a
one-seater!"
~~~~~
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
the informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a
new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't
see....Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
~~~~~
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered,
"Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
~~~~~
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast
this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
"KY Jelly."
~~~~~
When my grandmother was in her late eighties,
she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor
and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the
litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tireder and slower, etc., etc., etc.
He responded with, "Mrs. Weiss, you have to expect things to start deteriorating.
After all, who wants to live to 100?"
My grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."
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~~~~~
I'm FINE, Thank You!
There is nothing the matter with me.
I'm as healthy as I can be.
I have arthritis in both of my knees
and when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, and my blood is thin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
Arch supports I have for my feet,
Or I wouldn't be able to be on the street,
Sleep is denied me night after night'
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory is failing, my head's in a spin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
Old age is golden I've heard it said
But sometimes I wonder as I get into bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
My eyes on the table until I wake up.
Ere sleep overtake me, I say to myself,
"Is there anything else I could lay on the shelf?
I get up each morning and dust off my wits
And pick up the paper and read the "Obits",
If my name is still missing I know I'm not dead,
So I have a good breakfast and go back to bed.
The moral is this as my tale I unfold...
That for you and me who are growing old,
It's better to say "I'm fine" with a grin
Than to let folks know the shape we are in.
--Author Unknown--
~~~~~
Sign seen on door of a plastic surgeons office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"
~~~~~
Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology".
The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they
changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors".
This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".
No go.
So they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics".
Thumbs down again.
So they tried "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives."
Still not good.
So they tried "Minds and Behinds".
Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass-holes".
Still no go.
Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Queers and Rears," "Nuts and Butts," "Freaks and Cheeks," or "Loons and Moons" work either.
So they finally settled on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends"
~~~~~
Did you hear about the depressed dyslexic?
He threw himself behind a bus.
~~~~~
A man fell asleep on the beach under the noonday sun and suffered a severe sunburn and heatstroke. He was taken to the hospital where his skin was a bright red, painful and started to blister. Anything that touched him caused agony. The Doctor attending and prescribed continued intravenous feeding of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and
Viagra.
"What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" the nurse inquired.
"It will keep the sheet off of him."
~~~~~ Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play.
One said, "Let's play doctor."
"Good idea." said the other. "You operate, and I'll sue." ~~~~~
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first internal exam.
The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few
minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand
next to the doctor's desk.
1. A tube of K-Y jelly
2. A rubber glove
3. A beer
When the doctor finally came in, the man said "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first
exam. I know what the K-Y Jelly is for, and I know
what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?
At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, I said A BUTT LIGHT!"
Submitted
by Ray ~~~~~
A man went to see his doctor
because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some
pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't
do any good either.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and
take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open
all the windows and stand in the draft.
"But Doc," protested the patient, "if I do
that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said the physician, "I can cure
pneumonia!"
~~~~~ Q.
Which state is a doctor?
A: MD ~~~~~
An elderly man goes to confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking Viagra and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"Heck! I'm telling everybody!"
~~~~~
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly. "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replies, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
~~~~~
In the 60's people took acid to make the world
weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
~~~~~
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a
mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well, and we are
now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"
"What do you mean?
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife.
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these
expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town.
If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her.
~~~~~
HMO's
Two doctors and an HMO manager
died and lined up at the Pearly Gates for admission to Heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify
themselves.
One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine
surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities."
St. Peter said, " You can enter."
The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate
themselves."
St. Peter also invited him in.
The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager and I
helped people get cost-effective health care."
St. Peter said, "You can come in too."
As the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter quietly added, "But you can only
stay three days... After that you can go to hell.
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McEwen & Nesbit
Attorneys At Law
Lewis P. McEwen
Tedd C. Nesbit |
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Lawyers
specializing in
Personal
Injury Social Security Disability
Worker's Compensation
A Western Pennsylvania
Law Firm serving
Mercer County,
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and Northern Butler County |
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McEwen & Nesbit
A Personal Injury Law Firm
P. O. Box 510, 234 West Pine
Street
Grove City, PA 16127
724-458-8890 Fax:
724-458-8950
Website: www.mcewen-nesbit.com |
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~~~~~
Find schools offering Healthcare
Degrees
Nursing, Management, X-Ray, Holistic, Dental, Vet, and more.
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This page was last edited 03/26/08.
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