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ButlerWebs welcomes you to... |
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Health &
Medical Humor -
Page 2 |
Jokes, Cartoons, Quips, One-Liners, and other
funny stuff
about doctors, patients, hospitals, health, diet, fitness, medicine, etc.
ENJOY!
Scroll down to see the jokes!
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The Health
& Medical Humor Pages:
Health & Medical -
Page 1
Health & Medical - Page 2
(You're on this page now! Scroll down to
see the jokes.)
Health & Medical -
Page 3
Dental Humor
Diet & Fitness Humor
Mammogram &
Menopause Humor
Links for
Other Medical Humor Sites
~~~~~
What do you get if you cross a Dentist with a Podiatrist?
A doctor who specializes in foot-in-mouth disease.
Submitted by
SandyD707
~~~~~
I took my young son to the doctor
for a routine physical. All the way I had to reassure him that he would not be getting a
shot. He went through his eye exam, hearing test, etc. The nurse came into the
exam room
and started to ask me routine questions. When she got to "Is he allergic to
anything" my four-year-old son stood up and said "YES, I'm allergic to shots!"
~~~~~
Scroll down for more jokes!
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The
Medical
Humor Pages
from ButlerWebs.com |
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You had your bladder removed,
And you're on the mends.
Here's a bouquet of flowers
And a box of Depends. |
~~~~~
Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered.
The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me."
The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"
~~~~~ Three
Doctors
Three doctors are waiting in line to
get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you
done to enter Heaven?"
"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the
Lord's babies into the world."
"Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and
in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor.
"I am a general practitioner and go to Third World countries
three times a year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through
the gates.
The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question,
blurts out, "I am a director
of a HMO."
St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says,
"Fine, you can enter Heaven...but only for 2 days."
Submitted by RandiBee4 ~~~~~ Things
You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of
Darkness"
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Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
-
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
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Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
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Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie
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Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
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Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
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There go the lights again...
- Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of
'em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
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Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
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What's this doing here?
-
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
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That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
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Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
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Sterile, shcmerle. The floor's clean, right?
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What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
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OK, now take a picture from this angle.
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This is truly a freak of nature.
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This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
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Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
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Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
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What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!
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FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
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Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
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Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?
Submitted by Stormlover
~~~~~
Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"
~~~~~
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Q. I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can
prolong life. Is this true?
A. Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding
up your heart will not make you live longer, that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by
driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
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Tips &
Tricks |
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~~~~~
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story
about her then four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her
stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your
order?"
~~~~~
I went to see my doctor yesterday. The sign in the window said
"If you are more than 20 minutes late for an appointment, you will be charged a
fee." Yet, I was 5 minutes early and sat there 40 minutes before I was called to see
the doctor. What's wrong with this?
~~~~~
Medical Definitions
- Benign: What you be after you be eight.
- Artery: The study of paintings.
- Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.
- Barium: What doctors do when patients die.
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Cesarean Section: .A neighborhood in Rome.
- Catscan: Searching for kitty.
- Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
- Colic: A sheep dog.
- Coma: A punctuation mark.
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D & C: Where Washington is.
- Dilate: To live long.
- Enema: Not a friend.
- Fester: Quicker than someone else.
- Fibula: A small lie.
- Genital: Non-Jewish person.
- G. I. Series: World Series of military baseball.
- Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.
- Impotent: Distinguished, well known.
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Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.
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Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.
- Morbid: A higher offer than I bid.
- Nitrates: Cheaper than day.
- Node: Was aware of.
- Outpatient: A person who has fainted.
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Pap Smear: A fatherhood test.
- Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.
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Post Operative: A letter carrier.
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Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.
- Rectum: Darn near killed him.
- Secretion: Hiding something.
- Seizure: Roman emperor.
- Tablet: A small table.
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Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
- Tumor: More than one.
- Urine: Opposite of you're out.
- Varicose: Nearby, close by.
- Vein: Conceited
For more funny definitions, see our separate
humor page for:
Funny Definitions & Word Humor
~~~~~
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
~~~~~
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Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I got one
I felt real snippy. |
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~~~~~
Do pediatricians play mini golf on Wednesdays?
~~~~~
Cardiologists Diet: If it tastes good -- spit it out.
~~~~~
A short history of medicine:
Patient: "I have an ear ache."
Physician:..
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
Submitted
by RPiat1
~~~~~
A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening
just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three
doctors are there already!"
~~~~~
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students. "As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
Compliments of CodaZepp
~~~~~
The Psychiatrist's Diagnosis
A woman went to a psychiatrist because she was having
severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting
a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having
sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"And how did he look?"
"Very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting,
we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems
somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that one time?"
"He was looking through the window at us."
~~~~~
"With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy.
He said with a face like mine, I don't need one." -- Rodney Dangerfield
~~~~~
They say a vasectomy doesn't affect your masculinity.
So how come they give you Playboy on the way in and Good Housekeeping on the way out?
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Degrees
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Inspiration &
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Thoughts...
"It is better to laugh about your problems than to cry about them."
-- Jewish Proverb |
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This page was last edited 03/26/08.
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