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ButlerWebs welcomes you to... 100's of JOKES & CARTOONS Health & Medical Humor - Page 1 Jokes, Cartoons, Quips, One-Liners, and other funny stuff about doctors, patients, hospitals, health, diet, fitness, medicine, etc. ENJOY! Scroll down to see the jokes! The Health & Medical Humor Pages: Health & Medical - Page 1 (You're on this page now! Scroll down to see the jokes.) Health & Medical - Page 2 Health & Medical - Page 3 Dental Humor Diet & Fitness Humor Mammogram & Menopause Humor Links for Other Medical Humor Sites 100's of Jokes & Cartoons Home Page & Index     Did you hear about the two little kids in a hospital who were lying next to each other? The first kid leans over and asked, "What are you in here for?"      The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."     The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about, I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"     The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"     The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."     The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"  ~~~~~     A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.  "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"     "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."     "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"     "Twenty-six," he said.  ~~~~~ There's more - keep scrolling!

The Medical Humor Pages from ButlerWebs.com Health & Medical Page 1 (You're on this page now!) Health & Medical Page 2 Health & Medical Page 3 Dental Humor Diet & Fitness Humor Mammogram & Menopause Humor Links for Other Medical Humor Sites Neighborhood  Webs Health, Medical Diet & Fitness Main Directory Western PA Areas In & Near  Butler County All About Youth Cosmetic Laser Center in Pittsburgh announces... THE HAIRMAX LASERCOMB™ For thicker, fuller, healthier looking hair! Home hair therapy with a money back guarantee! Before After THE HAIRMAX LASERCOMB™ 800-366-7301  412-366-7301 www.grow-hair -again.com Advertise on ButlerWebs Your Neighborhood Web Site With more than 400,000 visitors A MONTH! CLICK HERE for Advertising Info

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    Five mornings a week, my husband goes to the health club, gets on the stair-stepper, sets the timer, and buries his nose in a book. Recently, he noticed an amazingly fit middle-aged woman who seemed to run circles around everyone, took few breaks, and rarely even broke a sweat.
    "It's not fair," he complained. "By the time I'm dragging myself off to the showers, she's hopping back onto the stepper for another session."
    One day he came home with a sheepish grin. "Well," he said, "they're identical twins."

~~~~~

Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"?
--George Carlin

~~~~~

What do you give a man who has everything?
Antibiotics

~~~~~

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
 - - Carrie Snow

~~~~~

    The doctor took his patient into his office and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
    The patient said, "Give me the good news."
    The doctor said, "They're going to name a disease after you."

~~~~~

    John and David were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
    David promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out. The Medical Director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the mental hospital as he considered him to be okay.
    The doctor told David, "We have good news and bad news for you, David! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient whom you saved, Mr. John, hung himself in the bathroom, and died".
    David replied, "Doctor he didn't hang himself, I hung him there to dry".

~~~~~

"I finally quit smoking by using the patch.
I put six of them over my mouth." - Wendy Liebman

~~~~~

Actual Medical Records

A collection of documentation statements actually found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records.  These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we are afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

• The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
• Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
• The skin was moist and dry.
• Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
• The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
• Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
• While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
• The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
• Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
• Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
• Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
• She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
• Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient refused autopsy.
• The patient has no previous history of suicides.
• Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
• Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
• Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
• Skin: somewhat pale but present.
• The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
• Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
• Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
• Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

~~~~~

"When I told my doctor that I couldn't afford an operation,
he offered to touch up my X rays." -- Henny Youngman

~~~~~

Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"?
Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope
and send it to someone. -- Jan King

For more Mammogram & Menopause Humor - See our separate page:
Mammogram & Menopause Humor

~~~~~

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

~~~~~

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman?
It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears.  -- Geri Jewell

~~~~~

    One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
    "Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
    "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
    "Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

Compliments of CodaZepp

~~~~~

~~~~~

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

~~~~~

    Suffering from a bad case of the flu, the outraged patient bellowed, "Three weeks??? The doctor can't see me for three weeks??? I could well be dead by then!"
    Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you please have your wife call to cancel the appointment?"

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This page was last edited 03/26/08.