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The Marriage
& Relationship Humor Pages:
Marriage &
Relationships - Page 1
[ Marriage & Relationships - Page 2 ] [ Marriage & Relationships - Page 3 ]
[ Kids & Marriage ]
[ Divorce Humor ]
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Bumper sticker seen on a cookie delivery truck:
"Driver carries no money; he's married."
~~~~~
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
~~~~~
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps
finding her way back.
~~~~~
Marriage is like taking a hot bath.
After you've been in it for awhile...
it isn't so hot.
~~~~~
There's more - keep
scrolling!
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Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
~~~~~
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was "Always".
~~~~~
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
~~~~~
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
~~~~~
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
~~~~~
The Dog & The Funeral
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a
most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral
like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my
wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second
hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
~~~~~
At the cocktail party, one woman said to
another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
~~~~~
Did you ever notice that when you fall in love, you sink into his
arms?
But after the wedding your arms are in his sink?
~~~~~
A Texan and his wife got into a discussion about the homestead
exemption allowed on their state tax. He thought he'd taken it, but she thought he hadn't. So he called the tax collector's office and
told his story. A young woman said she would be glad to check, and soon reported that he had, in fact, NOT taken the exemption.
"Would you like me to send the form to your office," she asked,
"so your wife will never know she was right?"
~~~~~
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
~~~~~
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
~~~~~
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
~~~~~
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
~~~~~
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
~~~~~
A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
~~~~~
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once.
~~~~~
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
~~~~~
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."
~~~~~
The Good Wife's Guide - from 1955
Thumbnail View - Click to enlarge
Submitted by Bubba
~~~~~
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What Every Man Expects in a Wife:
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- She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
- She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
- She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
- Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
- She will never be sick--just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
- She will insist that moving the furniture by herself, it's good for her figure.
- She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV,
painting the house, and keeping quiet.
- Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
- She will hate charge cards.
- Her favorite expression will be, "What can I do for you, Dear?"
- She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. America.
- She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done.
- She will love you because you're so sexy.
- She NEVER gets a "headache"
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What He Usually Gets:
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- She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
- She was once a model... for a totem pole.
- Where there's smoke, there she is -- cooking.
- She's a light eater...once it gets light, she starts eating.
- She lets you know you only have two faults: everything you do, and everything you say.
- No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory.
- If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you.
- She has a chronic "headache" 364 days a year.
Submitted by DkS
~~~~~
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Did You Know?
- Two out of five people have
married their first love.
- Only 4% of grooms asked the parents'
approval for their bride's hand.
- 29% of us are virgins when we
marry. (How many claim they are?)
- One in five men propose on
their knees.
- "Agenobiosis"
is the word for a married couple who consent
to live together without sex.
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~~~~~
A married man left from work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked "How would you like it if you didn't see ME for a couple of days??"
"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by with the
same result. Wednesday went by and he STILL didn't see her. Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.
~~~~~
A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy
appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.
~~~~~
My wife asked me to buy
"organic" vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
~~~~~
Andy Rooney on Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
Submitted by DkSdBubba
~~~~~
"Married vs Single"
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed, and then go to the fridge.
Submitted by SassyLD1
~~~~~
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~~~~~
Marrying for money is the hardest
way to get it.
~~~~~
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
~~~~~
Love,
Lust & Marriage
Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-O together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 Happy Meals . . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping candy off of the carpet
Love: A night out at the Symphony
Lust: A night out at the Ramada Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice.
Love: Aroma -- French perfume
Lust: Aroma -- Brut aftershave
Marriage: Aroma -- "The baby needs changing. . ."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenager just took your jacket.
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat.
Submitted by Seps32
~~~~~
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~~~~~
Subject: "I'd love to be six again,"
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of
Fear -- everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her
stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered a Big Mac for her, along with extra fries and
refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie-the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is there to hear her, he will get it wrong
anyway.
Submitted by Steffanchi
~~~~~
Q: What's the worst thing a woman can get on her 25th wedding anniversary?
A: Morning sickness.
~~~~~
The husband asks his wife, "Why don't we try different positions tonight?"
The wife replies, "That's a good idea ... you stand by the kitchen sink and do the dishes and I'll lay on the sofa and fart."
~~~~~
"I went to a wedding. I couldn't believe the groom was married in rented shoes. You're making a commitment for a lifetime, and your shoes have to be back by five-thirty."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
~~~~~
Some Great Answers to That Stupid Question "Why aren't you married
yet?"
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You haven't asked yet.
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I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
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What? And spoil my great sex life?
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Because I just love hearing this question.
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Just lucky, I guess.
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My fiance is awaiting his/her parole.
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I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
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It didn't seem worth a blood test.
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I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
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Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
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I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
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They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
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What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
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We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.
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I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
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Why aren't you thin?
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I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
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(For Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
~~~~~
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Did You
Know?
- Gamophobia
is the fear of marriage.
- On average, a woman will speak 7000 words over
the course of a day while a man will only speak 2000 words in the same period of time.
- Thirty-five percent of the people who use
personal ads for dating are already married.
- In a poll, American men and women were
asked if they would marry the same person if they had it to do all over again.
- 80% of the men responded that
they would marry the same woman.
- 50% of the women responded that
they would marry the same man.
- Approximately 40% of
weddings today are second marriages for one or both
partners.
- Statistics show that
75% of couples marrying today already share a home.
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~~~~~
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a heavy old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
~~~~~
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the
end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is
actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the
pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,
"Watch the wall!"
~~~~~
Prison is preferable to marriage;
(1) Better food;
(2) Better sex; and:
(3) Prisoners occasionally get to finish a sentence.
Submitted by Rick F.
~~~~~
Marriage In The Animal Kingdom
~~~~~
A man and a woman are on their honeymoon when the man takes off his pants and throws to the woman. He tells her to put them on, and she responds "I can't wear these!"
He replies, "That's right! You just remember who wears the pants in this
relationship!"
She just smiles and takes off her panties, tossing them to him. "Put these on," she says.
He looks at them and says "I can't begin to get into these!"
She answers "That's exactly right, and that's the way it's going to stay until you change your friggin attitude!!"
Submitted by Kristie
~~~~~
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine:
Bottle of Wine
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she
saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."
Submitted by Homer B.
~~~~~
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Relationship Humor Pages:
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& Relationship Humor - Page 1 ]
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This page was last edited 10/26/05.
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