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Denny Hemphill's
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The Marriage
& Relationship Humor Pages:
Marriage &
Relationships - Page 1
[ Marriage & Relationships - Page 2 ] [ Marriage & Relationships - Page 3 ]
[ Kids & Marriage ]
[ Divorce Humor ]
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Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
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Marriage is an institution where two people come together to joint solve
the problems they never had before they got married.
~~~~~
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."
~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between
a boyfriend and a husband?
A. About 30 pounds.
~~~~~
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
There's more - keep
scrolling!
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~~~~~
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield
~~~~~
Not Quite Identical
Dan married a woman with an
identical twin. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"Tell the court why you want a divorce," said the
judge.
"Well, your honor, every once in a while my sister-in-law
would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife looked exactly alike, every once
in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake," said Dan.
"Surely there must be some difference between the two
women." the judge said.
"You'd better believe there is a difference, your Honor.
That's why I want the divorce."
Submitted by RandiBee4U
~~~~~
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
~~~~~
Dictionary of Dating
Dating: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
Easy: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
Eye Contact: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
Friend: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
Indifference: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
Irritating Habit: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
Nymphomaniac: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
Sober: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
Attraction: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
Love At First Sight: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
Law of Relativity: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
Submitted by SueC
~~~~~
Q: What is the difference between men and women:
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Submitted by DkS
~~~~~
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
~~~~~
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Did You Know?
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~~~~~
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
~~~~~
A guy slices his ball in the woods and goes in to look for it. He meets a girl from the next fairway looking for her ball. They start to chat and have a wonderful little conversation. She suddenly says to him, " You know... you look like my third husband.
"He says, "Oh yeah?", and then asks her how many times she's been married.
"Twice," she replies.
Submitted by BCKenworth
~~~~~
"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he
loves.
After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent."
Submitted by slgraber
~~~~~
Ahhh...the bliss of being married!
A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and
forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked, in rhythm as this was their time to spend a
few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.
Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and
hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins. His eyes watered and tears ran down his
cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and
asked, "What'd you do that fer?"
"That's fer fifty years of bad sex," she said. He
nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept
pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and
picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across
the shins.
As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked.
"What was that fer?"
"That," said her husband as he began to rock again,
"is fer knowin' the difference."
Submitted by seps32
~~~~~
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
~~~~~
A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He
reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.
"Oh my god, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back into place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to breakfast the next morning. When he arrives the next morning, she has cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!
"You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replies...
Wait for it...
It's coming..........
The suspense is killing you ....
"You just happened to catch my eye."
Submitted by Exday
~~~~~
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
~~~~~
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
~~~~~
What is the only time a man will think about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
~~~~~
John was talking to his fiancé, Rebecca, and he said, "Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?"
To which she replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm."
"Really?" he said excitedly.
"Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of the word 'warm'."
John was pleased until he went home and, just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, "WARM: Not so hot."
Submitted by Kara
~~~~~
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get laundry done free.
~~~~~
Words to live by:
Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
~~~~~
A little boy at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing
black?"
~~~~~
If you want to end relationships I just say, "I want to marry you so we can live together forever." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
-- Rita Rudner
~~~~~
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He says, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard
ladies-of-the-night there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm going to Vegas, too. I want to see you live on $800 a year."
~~~~~
The best way to get most husbands to do
something is to
suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. --
-- Ann Bancroft
~~~~~
A Touching Story of Love and Marriage
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom. With even greater effort, he forced his boney fingers to grab the handrail and he let himself down the stairs, one stumbling set at a time.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, on the kitchen table, spread out in rows upon wax paper, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of
60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips were slightly parted. The wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, driven by one last gritty effort, shakingly made its way towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral!"
~~~~~
"In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too fat, 15 percent said their ass was
too thin and the other five per cent said they didn't care - they would have married him anyway!!"
Compliments of FrogLady
~~~~~
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then
divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then
divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp
then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd
be Jack Handy Capp Paar King. (Jack Handicap Parking...)
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced
her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd
be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
~~~~~
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Inspiration &
Motivation
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Thoughts...
"Marriage is the only "union" where you're unable to take your complaints to a delegate."
Copyright 2003 Joseph P. Martino |
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~~ Top of Page
~~
Quick Links to our Marriage &
Relationship Humor Pages:
[ Marriage & Relationship
Humor - Page 1 ]
[ Marriage & Relationships - Page 2 ] [ Marriage & Relationships - Page 3 ]
[ Kids
& Marriage ]
Divorce Humor has split and moved to
its own page.
 See our General Webs for
Weddings
with Information, Humor, Did You Know Fun Facts, Tips, Links & More
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& Index ]
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This page was last edited 09/07/05.
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