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The Marriage
& Relationship Humor Pages:
Marriage & Relationships - Page 1
(You're on this page now! Scroll down to
see the jokes.)
[ Marriage & Relationships - Page 2 ] [ Marriage & Relationships - Page 3 ]
[ Kids & Marriage ]
[ Divorce Humor ]
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Grooms! Once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always remember to get the last two words in: "Yes
dear."
~~~~~
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
~~~~~
An unmarried girl who worked
in a busy office arrived one morning and began passing out big cigars and candy,
both tied with blue ribbons. When asked what the occasion was, she proudly
displayed a new diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and
announced, "It's a boy, six feet tall and 190 pounds!"
~~~~~
No husband has ever been
shot while doing the dishes.
~~~~~
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
~~~~~
"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."
"Good, what are we having for breakfast," said the new husband.
"Toast and juice," she replied.
~~~~~
There's more - keep
scrolling!
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The Secret to a Happy Marriage
A couple was celebrating their
Golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the
town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy
marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon, " explained the
husband. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the
canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled.
My wife quietly said 'That's once.'
We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once
more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time.
My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she
looked at me and quietly said, "That's once."
Submitted by Zaxgram
~~~~~
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling,
it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric."
The husband replied, "How about a chair?"
~~~~~
The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee.
"Guess what I got planned for dinner?" she asked seductively. "And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today."
~~~~~
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Did You Know?
In a recent poll, American men and women were asked if they would marry the same person if they had it to do all over again.
80% of the men responded that they would marry the same woman.
50% of the women responded that they would marry the same man.
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~~~~~
Kids & Condoms
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen
to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see.", replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and ask, "Why are there 3 in
this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are
these for?"
"Those are for college men", the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO
for Saturday and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy;" Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking
up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men, One for January,
one for February, one for March..."
Submitted by Seps32
~~~~~
My wife has trouble opening jars. Apparently, that involves a different set of muscles than slamming doors.
~~~~~
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
~~~~~
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Did You Know?
The female lion does over 90% of the hunting.
The male lion prefers to rest.
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~~~~~
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married; and then it was too late."
~~~~~
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his
son.
Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This goes on for a
while when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells "You need more
tail."
The father yells back "Thanks a lot! I told you yesterday I needed more tail and you
told me to go fly a kite!!
~~~~~
Henny Youngman:
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same
way.
I bought my wife a new car.
She called and
said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I said, "Where's the car?"
She said, "In the lake."
The secret of a happy marriage remains a
secret.
~~~~~
Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
~~~~~
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~~~~~
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
~~~~~
Clear Day
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was
not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the
kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep
thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and
take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of
night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and
you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car
making out?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said,
'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"
"Yes, I do," she said.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would
have gotten out today."
Submitted by Kars
~~~~~
Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times. That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"
"No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like Popeye?"
~~~~~
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Seven Ages of the Married Cold
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- 1st year -- The husband says, "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from
China Garden. I've already arranged it with the head nurse."
- 2nd year -- "Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough.
I called the doc and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"
- 3rd year -- "Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?"
- 4th year -- "No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!"
- 5th year -- "Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"
- 6th year -- "You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!"
- 7th year -- "For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."
Submitted by Kara
~~~~~
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A young man was about to be married, but he had a question he needed answered. He first went to his Mother and asked, "Mom, why do women wear white dresses on their wedding day?"
His Mother replied, "It represents purity, and virginity."
The young man thanks his Mom but kinda doubts her word, so he goes to his Father. "Dad, why do women wear white dresses on their wedding day?"
His Father looks at him earnestly and says, "My boy, all appliances come in white."
~~~~~
Former Education Secretary
William Bennett attended a modern wedding where the bride and groom pledged in
their wedding vows to remain together "as long as love shall last."
Bennett said, "I sent paper plates as my wedding
gift."
~~~~~
Did You Know?
On average, a woman will speak 7000
words over the course of a day while a man will only speak 2000
words in the same period of time.
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~~~~
When sending your wife down the road with a gas
can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
~~~~~
There was a mature gentleman wandering around in a supermarket
calling out at intervals, "Crisco, Cris--co!"
Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five."
"Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco,
I'm am calling my wife."
"Your wife is named 'Crisco?'"
"Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we come to the
supermarket."
"Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?"
"Lard ass."
Compliments of Steffanchi
~~~~~
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener!
~~~~~
Get a new car for your spouse.
It'll be a great trade!
~~~~~
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Did You Know?
Gamophobia is the fear of marriage.
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~~~~~
One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me
God, can I ask you a few questions?"
God replied, "Go on Adam, but be quick. I have a world to create."
So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well Adam, No. I did that so that she could love you."
Submitted by Wax Z Car
~~~~~
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Inspiration &
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Thoughts...
When women hold off from marrying men, we call
it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.
-- Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)
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This page was last edited 09/20/05.
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