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The Mammogram
By Julia Napier©
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K." I said, 'let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steam rolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out!
By Julia Napier©
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| Kara submitted
the above wonderful poem to us several years ago titled as "The
Boob Poem" with the author unknown. On 1/9/06 we received the
following E-mail from the author! We share her letter with our visitors:
"I wrote this poem MANY years ago. For years, I said nothing and just let it hang out there to share. I have seen this poem with several different authors, and to me, this is funny for I actually went through this. I have written poetry for over 20 years and have a website
www.napierpresentations.com.
Although this poem is not on my site for the business that I am in really doesn’t require these types of poems, I am flattered to see it on your site. If you need anything like proof of authenticity or copyright please let me know and I will be happy to do so. I just wanted to let you know.
Respectfully,
Julia Napier"
www.napierpresentations.com |
~~~~~
"Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to
put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. "
-- Jan King
~~~~~
"For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram."
-- Steven Wright
~~~~~
A California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is
done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes.
They are going to call the practice "Jiffy Boob."
~~~~~
Thumbnail View
If Women Controlled Medicine -- The Manogram
~~~~~
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
-
Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
-
You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
-
The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
-
Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
-
You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-."
-
Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
-
You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
-
You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
-
You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
-
The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
~~~~~
Every Sunday Father Donovan, a
preacher at a small church in the little town of Juniper, MO, tried to make the Bible
accessible to his congregation through his sermons.
On this particular Sunday, Father Donovan proclaimed, "If
you ever feel adrift in the sea of life, just turn to the Bible for guidance. All life's
experiences are immortalized in the good book, and it will help you find your way to
shore."
After church Mrs. Francis approached the preacher and said,
"Father Donovan, I don't think every life experience is in the Bible. Nowhere in the
Bible have I ever read about PMS."
Father Donovan had never heard such a comment, so that night he
sifted through the Bible to see if Mrs. Francis was right.
Next Sunday Father Donovan pulled Mrs. Francis aside after church
and said, "I wasn't wrong last Sunday when I said that every life experience is
mentioned in the Bible."
"Okay, Father. Where does it say anything about PMS?"
Father Donovan opened up his Bible and showed her a passage that
read: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
~~~~~
Bumper Sticker
I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun!
~~~~~
Thumbnail View
~~~~~
Did You
Know?
US National Mammography Day is October 21, 2005
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~~~~~
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This page was last edited 03/30/06.
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