Pick-Up Lines & Comebacks
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
~~~~~
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be
McGorgeous.
~~~~~
Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
~~~~~
Hey, I might not be the cutest guy here,
but I am the only one talking to you.
~~~~~
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"
The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said, you look fat in those pants."
~~~~~
Female Comebacks
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
~~~~~
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: Fine with me, I don't care where you go after we're done in the car.
Submitted by Gary W
~~~~~
Insults
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date.
~~~~~
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
~~~~~
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
~~~~~
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
Henny Youngman
~~~~~
Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
~~ Henny Youngman
~~~~~
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
~~ Henny Youngman
~~~~~
The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
-- Henny Youngman
~~~~~
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either.
Just leave me the heck alone.
~~~~~
You look like a million bucks! (All green and wrinkled.)
~~~~~
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.
~~~~~
I never forget a face...but in your case I'll make an exception!
~~~~~
What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
~~~~~
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
~~~~~
100,000 sperm to choose from, and you were the fastest.
~~~~~
I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can diet.
~~~~~
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
~~~~~
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
~~~~~
"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?"
"My son!"
Henny Youngman
~~~~~
Seen on T-Shirts:
So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things are Just Better Rich
Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
I was born at night but not last night.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame it on you!
My answer is right it is your question that is wrong.
~~~~~
At the cocktail party, one woman said to
another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
~~~~~
|
Some Great Answers to That Stupid Question:
"Why aren't you married
yet?"
- You haven't asked yet.
- I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
- What? And spoil my great sex life?
- Because I just love hearing this question.
- Just lucky, I guess.
- My fiance is awaiting his/her parole.
- I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
- It didn't seem worth a blood test.
- I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
- Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
- I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
- They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
- What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
- We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.
- I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
- Why aren't you thin?
- I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
- (For Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
|
~~~~~
A few weeks ago, I got in a schoolyard fight and prior to the fight, our conversation went like so:
Antagonist: "Why don't you come over here and say that?"
Me: "I would...but I'm a little homophobic."
Submitted by Sean
~~~~~
You could describe that annoying person as:
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
A few peas short of a casserole.
A room temperature IQ.
All foam, no beer.
As smart as bait.
Body by Fisher-Price, Brains by Mattel.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Fell out of the family tree.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If he had another brain it would be lonely.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
~~~~~
One day this guy and I were having our usual battle of wits (not very hard ,but a bit
challenging.)
He said, "You're just a couple of ants away from being a picnic."
I came back with, "And you're just a couple of grapes away from being a complete fruit!"
Submitted by Erica
~~~~~
Man: If I were to rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
Woman: Yeah?! Well, if I were to rewrite the alphabet I would put F and U
together.
Get my point?!
Submitted by Meredith
~~~~~
Matt: Hey baby, I got 2 tickets 2 the Tampax race do you wanna come with?
Megan: OMG honey, of course I do, but how did you git the tickets?
Matt: Oh let's just say I pulled some strings. LOL!
Submitted by Sexy Laura
~~~~~
|
Inspiration &
Motivation
|
Thoughts...
A person who is nice to you, but
rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
-- Dave Barry
|
|
~~ Top
of Page ~~
Quick Links to our 100s of Jokes &
Cartoons Categories:
100's of Jokes & Cartoons - Home
Page & Index
[ Animals, Pets & Critters ] [ Automotive & Driving Humor ] [ Babyboomers, Over-The-Hill Humor - 4 Pages! ] [ Blonde Jokes & Riddles - 6 Pages! ] [ Bloopers, Funny Ads & Signs ] [ Brain Teasers - 2 Pages! ] [ Bumper Stickers - 2 Pages! ] [ Chick With Nice Knockers ] [ Christmas Humor - 2 Pages! ] [ COMIC CORNER - Featuring Cartoonists! ] [ Computer & Internet Humor - 2 Pages! ] [ Diet, Exercise, Fitness Humor ] [ Divorce Humor ] [ Drinking, Party & Hangovers - 2 Pages! ] [ Driving A Car Humor ] [ Female Bashing ] [ Firefighters ] [ Grandparents ] [ Groaners & Puns - 2 Pages! ] [ Hunting, Fishing, Camping, Outdoors ] [ Insults, Pick-Up Lines, Come-Backs ] [ Kids Say The Funniest Things - 3 Pages! ] [ Lawyer Jokes - 2 Pages! ] [ Links to Other Humor Web Sites ] [ Little Johnny & Little Mary Jokes ] [ Male Bashing - 5 Pages! ] [ Mammogram & Menopause Humor ] [ Marriage & Relationships - 3 Pages! ] [ Medical & Dental Humor - 5 Pages! ] [ Military Humor - 2 Pages! ] [ Parents, Grandparents & Kids - 2 Pages! ] [ Police Humor - 2 Pages! ] [ Pregnancy Humor ] [ Redneck Humor - 3 Pages! ] [ Religious Humor - 5 Pages! ] [ Riddles! ] [ Tax Time! Income Tax Humor ] [ Teachers, Students, Education - 2 Pages! ] [ Toilet & Bathroom Humor - 6 Pages! ] [ Travel Humor ] [ Word Humor & Funny Definitions ] [ Working Folks - Office Humor - 6 Pages! ] [ One-Liners ] [ Miscellaneous Humor - 2 Pages! ]
This page was last edited
04/18/05.
| 
