Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
    "Watson, look up and tell me what you see." 
    Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." 
    "What does that tell you?", Holmes ask, 
    Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and 
potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?"
    Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."

Submitted by Rayes

~~~~~

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" -- George Carlin

~~~~~

Be sure to see our GENERAL WEBS for CAMPING!

Game Warden: "Fishing?"
Man without a license: "No. Drowning worms."

~~~~~

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank... proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

~~~~~

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

~~~~~

What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?
A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.

~~~~~

Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers.

~~~~~

    A hunter was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week."
    The hunter took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want."
    Again the hunter took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
    Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
    The hunter said, "Look, I'm a avid hunter and when I'm not hunting, I'm fishing, so I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool!"

~~~~~

    Doreen's husband Matt died suddenly one day. Doreen was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Matt's obituary to read.
    Doreen asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?"
    The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word."
    Doreen then said, "I want the obituary to read - MATT IS DEAD."
The undertaker was an old fishing buddy of Matt's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, "I'll make you a special deal since I knew Matt so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket."
    Doreen's face lit up and she replied, "Great. I want it to read - MATT IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE."

~~~~~

If they are dumb enough to eat off a hook, how can fish be considered "brain food?"

~~~~~

You might be a fisherman if...

• You have a power worm dangling from your rear view mirror because you think it makes a good air freshener.
• Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat.
• You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter".
• Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file.
• You keep a flippin stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with.
• You name your black lab "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude".
• Bass Pro Shop has a private line just for you.
• You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp.
• You have a photo of your 10 lb. bass on your desk at work instead of your family.
• You consider viennies and crackers a complete meal.
• You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing.
• You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot.
• You think there are four seasons--Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn and Hunting.
• Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer needs new tires so you just "borrow" the ones off your house.
• You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage.
• Your kids know it's Saturday---Because the boats gone,

Submitted by ARareJewel

~~~~~

    Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
    When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
    Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
    "I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."
    The old woman fainted.

~~~~~

    A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun. "Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.
    "Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered.
    The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.
    The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair.
    "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.
    "One," said the lad.
    "One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
    "Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.
    "How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.
    "Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."
    "You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.
    "He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "

~~~~~

    A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
    The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
    "Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
    "Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
    "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
    The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
    "O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
    The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
    "Well, what?" the man asked.
    "When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
    "Call who back?" the man asked.
    "The FISH."
    "What fish?" the man asked.

~~~~~

Be sure to see ButlerWebs' GENERAL WEBS for FISHING!

Our Hunting Jokes & Cartoons have been moved to our
General Webs for HUNTING

Here's just a few samples...

Thumbnail View
Winner of the World's Worst Hunting Dog Award

~~~~~

    I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game. So much, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said, "Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods."

~~~~~

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer Nuts are around a dollar seventy-nine, and deer nuts are just under a buck!

~~~~~

    The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were were unable to make service because of hunting season.  I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."
    One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

~~~~~

For MORE Hunting Humor, see our General Webs for:
HUNTING - HUMOR

~~~~~

Be sure to see our General Webs for
Hunting, Fishing and Camping & Hiking
for even more humor and other information.

Adventures in Camping with Scoop Jackson
Traumatic events can happen to you anytime you are camping. To be safe, check this site every month for new stuff to be aware of. After all, you'd pay top-dollar for a guide in Alaska so you wouldn't get chewed up by a Grizzly, right? So what about a horny Wisconsin badger (the animal!) accidentally eating your Viagra? Or a bee in your morning tequila? The dangers are endless, and often humiliating.
Adventures in Camping with Scoop Jackson 
http://www.scoopjackson.net

~~~~~

Fishead Tackle Cartoons
New cartoon everyday
by Fishead Trolling Tackle (Dave Tackett)
Also fun fishing pictures & photos.
http://fishhead.homestead.com/Woodworking.html

~~ Top of Page ~~

Be sure to see ButlerWebs' General Webs for
Hunting, Fishing and Camping & Hiking
for even more humor and other information.

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This page was last edited 02/11/05.