A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. Looking at the string, the bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve strings."
    "What? That sucks," said the string. So the string walks into the bathroom and ties himself up and messes up his ends. A couple moments later he comes back out and approaches the bar again and again orders a drink.
    "Hey, aren't you that string?" asks the bartender.
    "Nope. I'm a frayed knot." 

Submitted by Buzz

~~~~~

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

~~~~~

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home! A Spring Lake man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bath tub. The tub had been filled with milk and cornflakes, and a banana was sticking out of his butt. Police suspect a cereal killer...

Submitted by Adidastar00

~~~~~

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

~~~~~

    A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
    "What are you doing in there?" she asked.
    The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", to which the lady replied "Yes".
    "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing".

~~~~~

Have you heard...?  Lorraina Bobbitt's sister was arrested last night for attempting to cause the same damage to her husband, except she missed and hit his leg.

She has been charged with a "misdeweiner".

~~~~~

A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

~~~~~

    A spokesperson for the U. S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale.
    Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call, 'Ted's or Hale's'."

~~~~~

    Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach. The lady lobster suggested to the gentleman lobster to get them each an ice cream. Having purchased two ice cream cones, Mr. Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream.  By the time he has finished the ice cream he realized that his lady friend's ice cream had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it.
    When he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster friend exclaimed "Where are the ice creams?"
    "Well," he said. "I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too."
    His lady friend was incensed and cried "You shellfish creep!!"

~~~~~

    There was a crowd of bees flying around one day. These bees were most peculiar. They were powered by gasoline, rather than the allergenic goodies that bees usually eat. As the crowd flew along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd.
    One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station. As he passed the second station, he coughing badly, but still he flew on. Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and gassed up.
    When he rejoined the crowd, his neighbor challenged him:
    "Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low.  You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you crazy?"
    He replied, "Well, it's like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I really don't like Gulf at all. The second station was a Texaco station. That's even worse. But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. You know what they say don't you? ...

There's an Esso Bee in every crowd!"

Submitted by Cicec

~~~~~

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

~~~~~

What Was I To Do?

    Out for a walk one afternoon I came upon a fence around a cow pasture. On this fence was a sign that stated "Beware of the Bull."
    Now I am not one to doubt the warnings on signs but it did seem to be a shortcut across the pasture to where I wanted to go. I looked very carefully in every direction and no bull did I see.
    Weighing the decision extremely well, it seemed that crossing this cow pasture was a safe thing to do, since I could see no bull. Anyway this bull may not be that bad after all.
    About half way across the pasture, I spotted the bull. It was the biggest and meanest looking bull that I had ever seen. He had long sharp horns and was coming straight towards me. My one stroke of luck was that evidently this bull hadn't seen me yet.
    I looked around very quickly and much to my dismay there was not a tree big enough to climb anywhere close enough to be of any help to me. The only thing there were some bushes. However one of the bushes was large enough to hide behind.
I had to make a decision quickly before the bull saw me. What was I to do?
    Get behind a bush....or get gored!

~~~~~

There once was a man from Peru
Who dreamt he was eating his shoe
He woke up one night
With a terrible fright
To find it was perfectly true.

~~~~~

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

~~~~~

    My ten-year-old son informed us that part of his tooth had come out. We checked and, sure enough, a piece had broken off. Trying to lighten the moment, I asked my husband, "What do you suppose the tooth fairy gives for half a tooth?"
    "Nothing," he replied, "She wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and
nothing but the tooth."

~~~~~

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

~~~~~

    A monastery in the English countryside was having a hard time with its cash flow because of the dwindling number of monks available to help with all the work. Then one day two of the monks, who had been discussing the problem, suggested they open a fish and chips stand down on the highway, right next to a scenic vista area popular with tourists.
    The other monks agreed, and the two put up the stand. One day a tourist who wanted to offer a compliment asked the monk on duty, "Are you the fish friar?"
    "No, sir," retorted the brother, "I'm the chip monk."

Compliments of CodaZepp

~~~~~

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

~~~~~

    One early morning, a farmer was milking his cow. The farmer was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear.
    The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder!

~~~~~

Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

~~~~~

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

~~~~~

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. 

~~~~~

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

~~~~~

Sheldon, a butcher just out of trade school in Canada applies for and gets a job, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters. The first project he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer. Sheldon finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them carefully with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc, etc. When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is still left with a pile of unidentifiable moose parts. At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one large bag and labels them..."Moosellaneous."

~~~~~

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

~~~~~

    A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.
    The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups in history.
    When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"

Submitted by Cicec

~~~~~

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"?
Olive?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names."

~~~~~

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

~~~~~

    I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.
    Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine.
    What! You've never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?

Submitted by MC

~~~~~

    A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. 
    "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. 
    "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."
    The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?" 
    "No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."
    When he returned the third day he sighed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?"
    "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."
    Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription:
    "Gone, But Not for Cotton." 

Submitted by MC

~~~~~

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

~~~~~

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

~~~~~

    A scientist had been keeping a secret for over two decades -- he had successfully cloned a human being.
    He kept meticulous records, raising the clone-child in his laboratory until it was an adult.  Then he made his plans to unveil his creation at a meeting of top scientists, held in the luxurious facilities of a high-rise hotel.
    When the time for his presentation came, the scientist stepped to the podium.  He presented his data -- his pictures, his charts, his graphs -- to an amazed audience.
    But suddenly, instead of waiting for his cue to come forward, the clone stood up where he'd been sitting, and started shouting at the scientists assembled there.
    This clone was an imaginative clone. He used language that would make a sailor blush, accusing his creator and all of his colleagues of the most amazing feats of perversion and vice.
    Trying to regain control, the scientist ushered the clone out of the room and up to the roof of the hotel, where he hoped the clone's shouts would go unheard.
    The clone would not listen to reason. He attacked the scientist's parentage, his sister, his mother...
    Finally, the scientist snapped. He could bear it no longer.  He rushed forward and with a mighty shove, pushed his creation off the roof of the hotel.
    The police arrived promptly and arrested the scientist for...
(drum roll please) -
"making an obscene clone fall."

~~~~~

    A bear walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
    The women behind the bar was a real bitch and said, you can't have a beer you've got no shoes on.
    So the bear walks out the bar, then comes back in again with a pair of polished black dress shoes on and asks the woman, "Nnow can I have a beer?"
    The woman was a real bitch and didn't want to serve the bear, so she said, "Listen you big hairy beast, you've got no clothes on, so I can't serve you."
    So the bear goes back out through the bar door and half an hour later arrives back, dressed in a tuxedo, white dress shirt, bow tie, pin stripe pants and polished black shoes. He goes up to the bar and asks the woman politely, "Could I please have a beer?"
    The women stares at him and says, "No!"
    The bear says, "Why not?  I've got shoes on and I'm dressed in a suit."
    The women yells and says, "I'm not serving you because I don't like you!"
    With that the bear grabs the woman with both paws, rips her to pieces, and eats her.  Then slams his right paw on the bar and demands a beer.
    The bar manager arrives and timidly tells the bear that he can't serve him because he is on drugs.
    The bear growls, "I'm not on drugs!"
    "Oh yeah?" the bar manager replies.  "What about that barbitchuate?"

Submitted by Macca from Australia

~~~~~

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

 

When Words Collide
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http://mindbluff.com/puncom1.htm

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