"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome,
but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne

~~~~~

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the General has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -- Elayne Boosler

~~~~~

Women are like computers -- even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

~~~~~

     Every Sunday Father Donovan, a preacher at a small church in the little town of Juniper, MO, tried to make the Bible accessible to his congregation through his sermons.
     On this particular Sunday, Father Donovan proclaimed, "If you ever feel adrift in the sea of life, just turn to the Bible for guidance. All life's experiences are immortalized in the good book, and it will help you find your way to shore."
     After church Mrs. Francis approached the preacher and said, "Father Donovan, I don't think every life experience is in the Bible. Nowhere in the Bible have I ever read about PMS."
     Father Donovan had never heard such a comment, so that night he sifted through the Bible to see if Mrs. Francis was right.
     Next Sunday Father Donovan pulled Mrs. Francis aside after church and said, "I wasn't wrong last Sunday when I said that every life experience is mentioned in the Bible."
     "Okay, Father. Where does it say anything about PMS?"
     Father Donovan opened up his Bible and showed her a passage that read: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

~~~~~

The Honest Wife

     A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer. The following exchange took place. The man says, "What's the problem, officer?"
     Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
     Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
     Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gave his wife a dirty look.)
     Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. "
     Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"
     Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks." (The man gave his wife another dirty look.)
     Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
     Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
     Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
     The man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
     The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
     The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk."

Submitted by Rich

~~~~~

Two new additions to periodic table of elements:

Element name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable.  Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.  Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possible good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Submitted by SLGraber

~~~~~

Why Men Prefer Dogs Over Women

• Dogs love it when your friends come over.

• Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

• Dogs think you sing great.

• Dogs don't cry.

• A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

• Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

• The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

• Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

• Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

• Dogs are excited by rough play.

• Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

• Dogs love red meat.

• Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

• Anyone can get a good-looking dog.

• If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

• Dogs don't shop.

• Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

• A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

• Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

• A dog's parents never visit.

• Dogs love long car trips.

• Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

• Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

• Dogs like beer.

• Dogs don't hate their bodies.

• No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.

• No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

• Dogs never criticize.

• Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

• Dogs never expect gifts.

• It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

• Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

• Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.

• Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

• Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

• You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.

• Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

• Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

• Dogs never want foot-rubs.

• Dogs can't talk.

• Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

• Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

  ~~~~~

A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon.
That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.

~~~~~

Submitted by:  ARAREJEWELNLA

~~~~~

Romance Mathematics

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

~~~~~

Shopping Math

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

~~~~~

General Equations & Statistics

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

~~~~~

Happiness

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

~~~~~

Longevity

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

~~~~~

Memory

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

~~~~~

Propensity To Change

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

~~~~~

Discussion Technique

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

~~~~~

Comprehension

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

~~~~~

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

10. Cats' facial expressions
 9.  The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
 8.  Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
 7.  Fat clothes
 6.  Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
 5.  The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
 4.  Cutting your bangs to make them grow
 3.  Eyelash curlers
 2.  The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN.

Submitted by Cicec

~~~~~

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Sydney city council in Australia has established a "Women Only" parking lot near downtown. Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female, so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons. The same concept is being considered by the Toronto Parking authority.  Below is a picture of this amazing new concept parking lot for women only.

Thumbnail View

~~~~~

An article stated that the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

~~~~~

Female Hormones In Beer!

    Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.  To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.
    No further testing is planned.

~~~~~

    A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.  He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
    The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah.  This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"
    The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
    The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
    The man said "OK, I will try to think of a really good wish". Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing," know how to make them truly happy."
    The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"

~~~~~

The Sensitive Male

    A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
    The woman is surprised that this man would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him ... they kiss ... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive man, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
    The man says, "You can choose any prize you like from the bottom shelf".

Submitted by Sandy

~~~~~

Q: Why do women have smaller feet then men? 
A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. 

Q: Why do men pass more gas than women do? 
A: Because women don't shut up long enough to build up pressure. 

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first? 
A: The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

Submitted by FCFrancis

~~~~~

~~ Top of Page ~~

Grimbundies
Greeting cards made for Generation Ex
Because nothing lasts forever.

~~~~~

This is PMS
www.debsfunpages.com/funpic83p.htm

~~ Top of Page ~~

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This page was last edited 10/31/05.