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Driving Humor

Driving and automotive humor, jokes, cartoons, and funny stuff about traveling by car, jeep, van, motorcycle, trucks - any vehicle you drive to get you where you are going.  Plus driving TIPS & TRICKS and LINKS to relevant Web sites.  Be sure to see our separate pages for AUTOMOTIVE HUMOR and TRAVEL HUMOR.

ENJOY!

    A car speeding down the highway loses control, goes through a guard rail, rolls down a cliff, bounces off a tree, lands upside down and finally stops, wheels spinning in the air, smoke and steam pouring out from under the hood.
    A passing motorist, who witnessed the entire accident, helps the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good Lord Mister, he gasps, are you drunk?"
    "Of course!," says the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am?  A stunt driver or something?"

Submitted by YingHouse

~~~~~

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

~~~~~

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

~~~~~

    The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
    Only the states of South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

~~~~~

If all the cars in the United States were placed end-to-end, it would probably be Memorial Day Weekend...

~~~~~

Confucious says:
Man who drives like hell bound to get there.

~~~~~

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

~~~~~

    I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a red Mustang doing 85 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
     I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.
     It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!

~~~~~

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Driving Humor

 

Basic Rules For Driving In New Jersey:

  • A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the construction barrels.
  • Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle so never use them.
  • Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
  • The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
  • Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
  • Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your antilock braking system kicks in to give you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.
  • Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the exit but before the traffic begins to back up.
  • The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information; they're just to make the Turnpike look progressive.
  • Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.  It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
  • Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make NJ look as if it conforms with other state policies; these are given only as suggestions and are readily enforceable.
  • Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that the driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
  • Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic on the Garden State Parkway.
  • Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person changing a tire. If you're lucky, you may see the unwitting breakdown victim get mugged.
  • Learn to swerve abruptly. NJ is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to NJDOT, who put potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
  • It is traditional in NJ to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. The state is founded upon such traditions.
  • Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
  • All unmarked exits on the Parkway lead to downtown Newark.

JERSEY DRIVING - GOTTA LOVE THE CHALLENGE!

Author Unknown

~~~~~

    Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
     "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.  Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
     "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?".
     Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
     The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.  Please tell him to simply answer the question."
     By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
     Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.  "Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.  He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
     "Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.'
    "Then he said, 'How are YOU feeling?'"

Submitted by Bubba

~~~~~

What not to say to the nice policeman...

  • I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

  • Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

  • Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

  • I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

  • Bad cop! No doughnut!

  • You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

  • Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

  • Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

  • So, uh, you on the take or what?

  • Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

  • Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

  • What do you mean, "Have I been drinking? You're the trained specialist!"

Submitted by Cicec

~~~~~

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? -- George Carlin

~~~~~

    When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
    The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

~~~~~

Nobody tailgates me on I-95 since I put my "Tires by Firestone" sticker on the bumper.

~~~~~

A Letter from Grandma

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes:

    The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
    Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
    I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
    Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
    Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach."
    I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
    A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
    I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
    Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love,
Grandma

Compliments of Linda & Barry

~~~~~

Tips & Tricks...

Ways to spot a drunk driver:

A car can be a lethal weapon when operated by a drunk driver.  A driver may be drunk if the vehicle:

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  • Makes wide turns.

  • Straddles the center line or weaves back and forth.

  • Exceeds the speed limit or drives unusually slow.

  • Comes close to hitting another vehicle or object.

  • Drives off the road or into an oncoming lane of traffic.

  • Swerves, drifts or follows too closely.

  • Stops for no reason or turn abruptly or illegally.

  • Signals inconsistently or drives at night with no headlights.

Remember, drunk drivers are dangerous and may not be avoidable.  If you suspect someone is driving drunk, keep your distance, jot down the license plate number and call the authorities.

Source:  News & Notes from State Farm newsletter than came with our auto insurance bill.  www.statefarm.com

~~~~~

    An appeals court is deciding whether Vermont should have raised a stink about a vanity license plate bearing a message that resembles a slogan containing a four-letter word. The legal battle began after the Vermont Department of Motor Vehicles said the "Shthpns" plate couldn't stay on a resident's pickup. The state issued her the plates, but later confiscated them... 
    ... What a bunch of fknasholz..

~~~~~

How To Identify Where A Driver Is From

  • One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago
  • One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York
  • One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
  • One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: Riverside
  • Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
  • Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
  • One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
  • One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
  • One hand constantly refocusing the rearview mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
  • Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna, cousin/spouse in passenger seat: Arkansas
  • Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.

Submitted by ARareJewelnLA

~~~~~

You know you're from Pennsylvania when:

  • You think the roads in any other state are smooth.
  • Hearing horses clopping down a paved street doesn't bring you to the window to see what's going on outside.
  • You can stop along the road to buy fruits, vegetables, or crafts on the "honor system."
  • You consider Pittsburgh to be "out west," and you know the fastest way to Philly is the Turnpike.
  • When it snows they put cinders on the roads instead of sand.
  • You can give directions to Intercourse with a straight face.
  • Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with  snow.
  • You know the four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction. 
  • Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
  • You measure distance in minutes.

~~~~~

    A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
    An old man on a moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
    The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"
    "That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
    "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
    "No problem," replies the owner.
    So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting
back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my moped!"
    Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
    Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.  It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!!
    "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.
    Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh!
    He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.  Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again.  The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
    Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
    The old man whispers with his dying breath, " Yea Unhook...my suspenders from your side-view mirror.

~~~~~

    We had been on the road for 15 hours en route from New York to California and were looking for a place to spend the night.  At four different motels, however, we were told, "Sorry, no vacancies."  Heading back to the car, my seven-year-old son asked solemnly,  "Mom, are we vacancies?"

~~~~~

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Submitted by Shortstop18

~~~~~

Tips & Tricks...
Know the "NO ZONE"

  • The "no-zone" is the area near a semi-truck's side and rear where cars seem to disappear into blind spots.  Vehicles lingering in the "no-zone" can't be seen by truck drivers causing a potential hazard if a lane change becomes necessary.

  • Tailgating in the rear "no-zone" not only hides you from the truck driver, but also radically reduces your view of traffic ahead.

  • When passing, avoid cutting in front of a truck too soon, then abruptly slowing down.  Because it takes longer to pass large trucks, maintain your speed and wait until the front of the truck is visible in your rearview mirror before shifting back into the other lane.

Source:  News & Notes from State Farm newsletter than came with our auto insurance bill.  www.statefarm.com

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A1 Window Graphics
Authorized dealer of GlasscapeS™

Glasscapes™ has the largest collection of window graphics in the world, images including patriotic, sports, nature, wildlife, military, animals, Harley-Davidson®, Smith & Wesson®, hunting, and more. We also do custom orders from one piece for your own vehicle to business fleets from 1 to 1000. See our Website for details.

We can make your windows come alive!
A1WindowGraphics.com
888-449-2439

~~~~~

50 Ways to Know You're A Real Jeep Nut
www.hrja.org/50_ways.htm

~~~~~

FunnyBone Humor - Hiway Worker
http://lists.spunge.org/funny-bone/archive/msg00631.html

~~~~~

Maryland State Highway
www.qis.net/~jimjr/work41.htm

~~~~~

Prune Juice - The Comic Strip by George Sfarnas
www.prunejuicecomics.com

~~~~~

Road Closed For Repair
www.clean-funnies.com/html/f1427.htm

~~~~~

Travel Fun
Games & Stuff to do in the car while on a trip.
From ButlerWebs.

~~~~~

Be sure to see our TRAVEL HUMOR Page for jokes and cartoons about traveling...by air, by bus, by train, by water...any way with laughs!  Plus links to other relevant sites.


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More Automotive-Related Pages From ButlerWebs:
Automotive Humor, Jokes & Cartoons
Driving Humor, Jokes & Cartoons
Bumper Stickers - Page 1 (Humor)
Bumper Stickers - Page 2 (Humor)
Travel Humor

Automotive
Automotive Links
Drinking & Driving
Travel Fun - Printable Games for the Car

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This page was last edited 10/17/07.

 





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