Hangover Ratings Guide

One-Star Hangover:  No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last  night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a steak bomb and a  side of gravy fries from any truck stop USA.
Two-Star Hangover:   No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is surfing internet porn and writing junk e-mails.
Thee-Star Hangover:  Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space shot and so not productive.  You have the attention span of a gnat.  Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your  alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 3:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of Diet Coke - yet you haven't peed once.
Four-Star Hangover:   Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars) your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76. You would shoot your mother for one or all of the following:
1.  The clock to strike 6pm
2.  The entire appetizer list from TGI Fridays
3.  A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
Five-Star Hangover (a/k/a Dante's 4th Circle of Hell):  You have a second heartbeat in your head (exacerbated by 6 bouts of the dry heaves) which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pour and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.  Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is bitch about your state - which is a mystery to you because you definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed, unaccompanied, at your house. The only thing you can do is pass out.  It's when you wake up a few hours later with a lesser star hangover that you eat a large pizza, an order of Kung Pao Chicken, a ham and cheese omelet and a batch of Rice Krispie Treats.

Submitted by Kara & Phil

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Reasons for Allowing Drinking At Work

• It's an incentive to show up.
• It reduces stress.
• It leads to more honest communications.
• It reduces complaints about low pay.
• It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
• Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
• It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
• It encourages carpooling.
• Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
• It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
• It makes fellow employees look better.
• It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
• Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
• Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
• Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
• No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.

~~~~~

Lost at Sea

    Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
    To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
    The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
    Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

~~~~~

Hungry Pet

    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place.  The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth, and swallows it whole.
    The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
    The guy says, "No, what?"
    "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
    Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him.  He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
    The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
    "Now what?" asks the patron.
    "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball, he measures everything first!"

~~~~~

    A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.
     As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups. He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."

Submitted by CZ

~~~~~

     A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good Samaritans and get him home.
     So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times.
     They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"
     The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"

Submitted by Buzz

~~~~~

     A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him.  As he sits down, the  bartender comes over and asks for their order.  The man says, "I'll have a beer."  He turns to the ostrich and asks, "What's yours?"  "I'll have a beer, too," says the ostrich.
     The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40  please."
     The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
     The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again, and the man says, "I'll  have a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."  Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
     This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.
     "The usual?"  asks the bartender.
     "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says the man.
     "Same for me," says the ostrich.
     "That will be $7.20," says the bartender.  Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
     The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer.  "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"  the bartender asks.
     "Well," says the man.  "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.  When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."
     "That's brilliant!" says the bartender, "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
     "That's right!  Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
     The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
     The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

Submitted by AA

~~~~~

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
-- George Carlin

~~~~~

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

• Drink: Beer 
  Personality: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth. 
  Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

• Drink: Blender Drinks 
  Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying, a pain in the butt. 
  Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy. 

• Drink: Mixed Drinks 
  Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, very picky, knows exactly what she wants. 
  Your Approach: You won't have to approach her; if she is interested, she'll send you a drink.

• Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel, see below) 
  Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated yet giggles. 
  Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

• Drink: White Zinfandel 
  Personality: Easy, thinks she is classy and sophisticated, but actually has no clue. 
  Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is; this should be an easy target.

• Drink: Shots 
  Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and is looking to get totally drunk ... and naked. 
  Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the male addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

• Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

• Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

• Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

• Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

• Tequilla: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

• White Zinfandel: He's gay (and looking to get laid).

~~~~~

Just a point of interest:
If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.
If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $79.
My advice to you is to start drinking heavily and recycle.

~~~~~

    A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
    "Can I help you sir?"
    "Yessssh! Ssssshomebody sssshtole my car!" the man replies.
     The cop asks,
    "Where was the car the last time you saw it?"
    "It was at the end of thissssh key!" the man replies.
    About that time the officer looks down to see that the man's weiner is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.  He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
    Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down woefully at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out, "Seeeee!!!!  They got my girlfriend, too!!!

Submitted by SES

~~~~~

Top 20 Ways To Tell Someone Their Fly Is Open

20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

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~~~~~

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This page was last edited 02/03/05.