Definition of Divorce:  The future tense of marriage.

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Rich's Favorite!
Question: Why is divorce so expensive?
Answer: Because it's worth it.

~~~~~

"Yeah, my husband and I just split up. I finally faced the fact that we're incompatible.  I'm a Virgo and he's an asshole."

~~~~~

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.

~~~~~

Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

~~~~~

~~~~~

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.

~~~~~

"I'm a big opponent of divorce.  Why leave the nut you got for one you don't know?"
-- Loretta Lynn

~~~~~

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

~~~~~

    The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
    Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
    "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

Submitted by Gr8SmokyMt

~~~~~

90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.
10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

~~~~~

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

~~~~~

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

~~~~~

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him).

~~~~~

~~~~~

    Former Education Secretary William Bennett attended a modern wedding where the bride and groom pledged in their wedding vows to remain together "as long as love shall last."
    Bennett said, "I sent paper plates as my wedding gift."

~~~~~

My soon-to-be ex-husband brought his girlfriend to divorce court this week. I guess they figured she might as well know what to expect.

~~~~~

A Woman's Perfect Breakfast
You're sitting at the breakfast table.....
Your son's picture is on the box of Wheaties.
Your daughter is on the cover of Fortune.
Your boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
Your husband is on the back of the milk carton.

~~~~~

    A ninety-year-old couple decide to get a divorce. They go to the judge and say, "Judge, we want a divorce." 
    The judge says, "You've been married 70 years and now you want to get a divorce? Why did you wait so long?" 
    The couple say in unison, "Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead."

~~~~~

Love may be blind, but marriage Is a real eye-opener!

~~~~~

Get a New Car for Your Spouse.
It'll be a Great Trade!

~~~~~

~~~~~

    A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior.
    When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.
    The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.
    "She was a real lady," his mistress said.
    "How so?" the encouraged man asked.
    "She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

~~~~~

We were very happily married for eight months.
Unfortunately, we were married for ten years!

~~~~~

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. -- Lewis Grizzard

~~~~~

"I've never been married, but I tell people that I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me." -- Elayne Boosler

~~~~~

    At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
    The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

~~~~~

~~~~~

    A guy slices his ball in the woods and goes in to look for it. He meets a girl from the next fairway looking for her ball. They start to chat and have a wonderful little conversation. She suddenly says to him, " You know... you look like my third husband. 
    "He says, "Oh yeah?", and then asks her how many times she's been married.
    "Twice," she replies.

Submitted by BCKenworth

~~~~

I must admit, you brought religion in my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

~~~~

Q.  What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A.  Shoot him again.

~~~~~

You know it's a bad day when your blind date is your ex-wife.

~~~~~

Just Divorced!
(thumbnail view)

~~~~~

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.
The rest cheat in Europe.

~~~~~

If you want to end relationships I just say, "I want to marry you so we can live together forever." Sometimes they leave skid marks. -- Rita Rudner

~~~~~

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

~~~~~

Breaking up. It happens kind of suddenly. One minute you're holding hands walking down the street -- and the next minute you're lying on the floor crying and all the good CD's are missing. -- Kennedy Kasares

~~~~~

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, so I figure that's why my boyfriend moved. -- Christy Murphy

~~~~~

    A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.  He says, "What are you doing?"
    She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard ladies-of-the-night there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."
    Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
    When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm going to Vegas, too. I want to see you live on $800 a year."

~~~~~

My boyfriend dumped me --or rather -- I allowed him to set me free. -- Darlene Hunt

~~~~~

I broke up with my girlfriend. She moved in with another guy, and I draw the line at that. -- Garry Shandling

~~~~~

I broke up with someone, and she said, "You'll never find anyone like me again."  And I'm thinking, I hope not!  If I don't want you, why would I want someone just like you?  Does anybody end a bad relationship and say, "By the way, do you have a twin?" -- Larry Miller

~~~~~

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

~~~~~

Q: What are a married man's two greatest assets?
A: A closed mouth and an open wallet.

~~~~~

Drivers License

    A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
    "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
    "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. It is not polite."
    "OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
    "Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
    Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
    "Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
    "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
    "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
    Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
    The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
    "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
    The mother is past surprise and shock now.  "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
    And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
    "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
    "Because you got an F in sex."

Submitted by Kara

~~~~~

Q: Why do divorced men get married again?
A: Bad memory.

~~~~~

Thumbnail View
Divorce Lawyer:  $10,000
Loss of house, car, etc.  $250,000
Small marine motor:  $275
Disposable camera:  $8
Sending your ex-wife a picture of you boating in her family heirloom dining room table...PRICELESS!

~~~~~

    A father came home from a long business trip to find his young son riding a brand new bike.
    "Where did you get the money for that?" he asked.  "It must have cost over 300 dollars!"
    "I earned it hiking," replied the boy.
    "Hiking??? Come on son, tell your Dad the truth.  Nobody can make that sort of money hiking.  Where did you Really get the cash from?"
    "It's like I say, Dad. Every night when you were gone, Mr Burns from the bank would come over to see Mom.  He'd give me a 20 dollar bill and tell me to take a hike"!

~~~~~

The Perfect Man
Author Unknown

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love for you.

The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.

He has never made you cry
Or hurt you In any way
Oh, screw this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.

Author Unknown
Submitted by Sandy

~~~~~

Q.  What is the definition of divorce?
A.  The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Submitted by Billy Carter

~~~~~

If you saw your ex-wife and her lawyer drowning in a swimming pool, would you...
go to lunch or the movies?

Submitted by Wayneh

~~~~~

    An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
     Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.  The old man liked the fact he was feared.
     To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked , "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
     The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old creep dig. I had him buried upside down.

Submitted by SueCrave

~~~~~

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:   Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.  We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in New York.

~~~~~

"The First Husband"

     The grief-stricken man threw himself across the grave and cried bitterly. "My life, how senseless it is! How worthless is everything about me because you are gone. If only you hadn't died, if only fate had not been so cruel as to take you from this world, how different everything would have been." 
    A clergyman happened by and to soothe the man he offered a prayer. Afterward he said, "I assume the person lying beneath this mound of earth was someone of great importance to you." 
     "Importance? Indeed it was," moaned the man. "It's my wife's first husband!"

~~~~~

Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A. Divorced

Submitted by Shugga1011

~~~~~

The Daily Newsgrabber
The Daily Newsgrabber is a world portal directory website of 145,034 categories and 98,496 geographic locations, and growing daily. It is a directory of news - of everything, everywhere - and growing daily.

~~~~~

~~~~~

Grimbundies
Greeting cards made for Generation Ex
Because nothing lasts forever.

~~~~~

Not a Humor Site...but relevant to divorce:
www.sharingpensions.co.uk

~~~~~

See ButlerWebs' Pages For
Marriage & Relationship Humor - Page 1
Marriage & Relationship Humor - Page 2

 

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This page was last edited 08/26/05.