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Health & Medical Humor
Diet, Fitness & Exercise Jokes

Jokes, Cartoons, Quips, One-Liners, and other funny stuff about diet, fitness, exercise, etc.
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I don't exercise at all.
If God had wanted me to touch my toes
He would have put them up higher on my body.


One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.


I'm in shape. Round is a shape.


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Diet Excuses

But the doughnut was calling my name.
But it was my birthday, so I had to eat the whole cake.
I had to get the bitter taste out of my mouth from eating the so-called dish, so I had an ice cream.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
Cookie pieces contain no fat -- the process of breaking causes fat leakage.
Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
Only eat things that have been broken into pieces; that way, all the calories fall out.
Chocolate is a vegetable. How, you ask? Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.


Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out,
but I can usually sedate her with four or five cupcakes.


The advantage of exercising everyday is that you die healthier.


Did you ever see the customers in a health-food store? They are pale, skinny people who look half dead. In a steak house you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying of course but they look terrific.


Weight Loss Plan

    Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, etc. and none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small ad that read, "Lose weight $1.00 a pound."  And it simply listed a telephone number.
    Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
    To which the man responded, "ten pounds."
    The voice replied, "very well, put you check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
    About 9:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "if you catch me you can screw me".
    Well the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he was through  enjoying himself, she said,  "quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!"  He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
    That evening he called the number again.  The voice on the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
    To which the somewhat less overweight man replied, "twenty pounds". 
    "Very well", the voice on the phone told him,  "put your check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
    At about 8:00 A.M. the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "if you catch me you can screw me".  The chase took awhile longer this time but the man finally did catch her.
    When he was through she told him, "quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!"  He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
    "This is fantastic!" He thought to himself.
    Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked,
"how much weight do you want to lose?" 
    "Fifty pounds!" The man exclaimed.
    "Fifty pounds?"  The voice asked. "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time."
    The overweight man replied, "my check's already in the mail. You just have your representative over here in the morning."  Then he hung up the phone.
    About 6:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 A.M. he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you I'm going to screw you."


The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.


I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.


I'm so fat that...I iron my pants on the driveway.


You have to stay in shape. 
My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. 
She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.


Creation Duel

    In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
    And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.  And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."
    And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create.
    And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
    And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
    And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
    And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
    And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
    And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
    And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
    And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
    And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
    And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
    And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.  And Man gained another 20 pounds.
    And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
    And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
    And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.
    And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
    And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
    And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.
    Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
    And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.
    And God created the life-giving tofu.
    And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"
    And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.
    And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.

Submitted by Seps32
This was forward to us in e-mail and the author is unknown.
If anyone knows who wrote this, please advise!!


Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!


I know what Victoria's Secret is.
The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.


The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)


The Garlic Diet:
You don't lose weight, you just look thinner from a distance.


I'm so fat that...the back of my neck looks like a pack of hotdogs.


I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.


Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.


"At my gym they have free weights, so I took them." -- Steve Smith


The only exercise I get is jumping to conclusions.


What runs but never gets tired?


T'was the month after Christmas, and all through the house,
nothing would fit me, not even a blouse;
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I had to taste,
at the holiday parties had gone to my waist;

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber),
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared,
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared;

The wine and the rum balls; the bread and the cheese,
and the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,
and prepared once again to do battle with dirt,
I said to myself, as only I can,
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So, away with the last of the sour cream dip.
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
'til all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Author Unknown
Compliments of RTA


I'm so fat that...
When I dance I make the band skip.
My cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.
When I go to the zoo the elephants throw me peanuts.
My graduation picture was a aerial photograph.
My driver's license says picture continued on other side.
When I ran away they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.
When I get in an elevator it HAS to go DOWN!
Instead of being born with a silver spoon I was born with a silver shovel in my mouth.
They have to grease the door frames and put a Twinkie on the other side to get me through.
I could become rich and sell shade.
My belly button doesn't have lint -- it has sweaters.

And you think YOU'RE fat?

Submitted by SassyLD1
Always tell the truth...it's easier to remember!!


My gym teacher told me to touch my toes. I said, "I don't have that kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?"

I want to get a six-pack, but right now I have a keg!

Submitted by PyroDavid


I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

Submitted by Shortstop18


Cartoon - two little girls discovering a scale.
Thumbnail View
Submitted by Kara


This has got to be the most popular Asian restaurant around!
Popular Asian Restaurant
Thumbnail View
Submitted by Kara


The Diet

    A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
    When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
    The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
    "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
    "No, from skipping."

Submitted by Ray

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CortiSlim - As Seen on TV!


Is stress making you fat? Are you constantly feeling stressed out from your hectic schedule? Has that extra holiday weight become a year round battle to lose? Well, stop trying those fad or trick diets and try choosing something that actually works, CortiSlim.

Cortislim As Seen on TV Price: $49.95
Our Low Price: $39.95  You Save: $10.00

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Visit www.TVProducts4Less.com
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This page was last edited 03/12/05.


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