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Christmas is just plain weird.
What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree in your living room
eating candy and snacks out of your socks?
The Santa Claus at the mall
was very surprised when a young lady about 20 years old walked up and sat on his
lap. Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very
nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"
"Something for my mother, please," said the young
lady.
"Something for your mother? Well, that's very
thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring
her?"
Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the
summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a female. We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
Q: If you're afraid of Santa Claus,
what condition
do you have?
A: Claustrophobia
There's More - Scroll Down! |
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To Whom it May Concern:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:
- There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
- Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and a moon pie [or pork rinds] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
- Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
- You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen," when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
- "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heard dat!"
- As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety
triangle on the back with the words "Back off." The last I heard, it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
- The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
- Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
- And, finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, such as "Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year, however, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on
all the AM radio stations in the South-songs such as Mark Chestnut's: "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
Merrily Yours,
Santa Claus
Member, North American Fairies and Elves Local 209
Submitted by JWP
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OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
December 1
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of
spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up
dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be
over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
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December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that, Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides
with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to
employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you
and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
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December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the
gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director
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December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are
allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement
for the gay men's table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director
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December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan,"
there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces
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December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians! I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the
table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But,
you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing
them right now...Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
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December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to
her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of
the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
Santa is Quitting
T'was the night before Christmas,
Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks,
I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - the reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things
would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money?
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!!
Author Unknown
Letter From Santa
Dear Friends
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling
my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from the "Twelve Days of Christmas", but we had a little problem up here.
The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all come down with
VD from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords
a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for
doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three
French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my ass in bird shit. On top of all this, Mrs. Clause is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves
have joined The Gay Liberation Front, and those dumb Newfoundlanders have scheduled Christmas for the
5th Of February.
Sincerely, Santa
Compliments of CodaZepp
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12 Days of Christmas |
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December 14th
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree.
What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection,
Agnes
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December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle
doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love,
Agnes |
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December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such
generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must
insist ... you're just too kind.
Love,
Agnes |
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December 17th
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful,
but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
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December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each
finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
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December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps.
So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever
keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
PLEASE STOP!
Cordially,
Agnes
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December 20th
John:
What's with you and those
f--king birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird
poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT
FUNNY ....... So stop with those f--king birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
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December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids
a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own
damn cows. There is sh-t all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off
me SMART ASS!
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December 22nd
Hey Sh-thead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers piping. And
damn - do they pipe!! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here
yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching
birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do?
The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.
From
Ag
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December 23rd
You Rotten Pig!
Now there's ten ladies dancing -
and I use the term "ladies" loosely! They've been flirting with those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep
and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of sh-t. The commissioner of
buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm
calling the police on you.
One who means it,
Ag
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December 24th
Listen F--khead:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned
"ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing
ghastly acts with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the
orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Miss Agnes McCallister
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December 25th
(From the law offices
Taeker, Spredar, and Bangar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you
have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction,
of course, was total.
All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach
Miss McCallister at Happy-Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Taeker, Spredar, and Bangar
Attorneys at Law |
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