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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live. -- George Carlin
A four-year-old boy who was asked
to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads
in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming
them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister,
Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God
for the food.
He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad,
the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused,
and everyone waited ... and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow
looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli,
won't he know that I'm lying?"
If you see a fat man ...
Who's jolly and cute,
wearing a beard
and a red flannel suit,
and if he is chuckling
and laughing away,
while flying around
in a miniature sleigh
with eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along,
then lets face it...
Your eggnog's too strong!
Submitted by JoeP
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
Submitted by Slgraber
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Christmas Story
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!
Author Unknown
Submitted by Bubba
I THINK SANTA CLAUS IS A WOMAN
I hate to be the one to defy sacred
myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm,
fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull
it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about
selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of
Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they -- with amazing calm -- call
other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this
would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous
relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm
convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake
up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of
all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to
the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been
extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have
transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and
clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there
would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to
inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide
fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to
straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a
man:
-
Men can't pack a bag.
-
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
-
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
-
Men don't answer their mail.
-
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely
resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
-
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
-
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
-
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical
holiday characters are men...
-
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite
guy.
-
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
-
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could
pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.
As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and
Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little
difference what gender Santa is.
I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
Author Unknown
Compliments of When Words Collide ~ Pun Comics ~
http://puns.mindbluff.com/puncom50.htm
One of our favorite Web sites! Be sure to
check out MindBluff.com
!!!
Santa was very upset. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right!
Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!"
He continued, "And I sent that stupid Little Angel out hours ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree behind him. He said,
"Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas tree got
its start...
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the
figures of the nativity set. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?"
The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would
give him a ride around the block in it."
While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric
trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?"
The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this
question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him.
He promptly replied, "Another train."
Lovable Louise, The Inflatable Love Doll
A Hilarious Christmas story.
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true, because every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've
never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this do?",
"You're kidding me!", "Who owns that?"
Finally I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also sub as a passenger in my car so I could use the car pool lane. Finding what
I wanted was difficult as love dolls come in many models. I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature my brother could live without so I settled for Lovable Louise. She also was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll"
took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and left the front door unlocked. In the wee hours of the morning long after Santa had come and gone I snuck into the
house and filled the dangling panty hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for hours.
The next morning Jay called to say that Santa had been to his house and left
a present that made him VERY happy but the dog was confused. The dog would bark and bark. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie. We also agreed
that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came for the traditional dinner. It seemed like a great
idea, except we forgot Grandma and Grandpa would be there.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
hell is that?" she asked.
"It's a doll." replied my brother.
"Who would play with something like that?" she replied "And where are her clothes?"
"Boy that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into
the dinning room. But Granny was relentless.
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey who's the naked gal by
the fire place?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that
we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
Dinner went well. We made the usual small talk when suddenly Louise made a
noise that sounded a lot like my father in the morning. She then lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice and fell in a heap in front of the
sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering
mouth to mouth. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure.
Later we discovered the cause of Louise's collapse as she had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her thigh. Thanks to duct tape we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the
house...
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Author Unknown
Q: Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
A: Rude-olph.
~~~~~~
Q: What reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
A: Comet.
~~~~~~
Q: Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch?
A: Deery Queen.
~~~~~~
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite
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