Yes!  I'm A Senior Citizen

• I'm the life of the party -- even if it lasts until 8PM.

• I'm very good at opening childproof caps -- with a hammer.

• I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

• I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

• I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

• I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...

• I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.

• I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

• I'm not really grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.

• I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

• I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

• I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...

• I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

• I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?

• I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

• And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?

• I'm a walking storeroom of facts -- I've just lost the key to the storeroom door. 

• Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life! 

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me...

Submitted by Nancy - Fairview

~~~~~

26 Signs That You're an Adult

a. Your potted plants stay alive.
b. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
c. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
d. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
e. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
f. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
g. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
h. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
i. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
j. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
k. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
l. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
m. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
n. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
o. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
p. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
q. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
r. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
s. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
t. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
u. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
v. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & King Dons.
w. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
x. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
y. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
z. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you!

You noticed that 26 signs are listed in letters not numbers!!!!

Compliments of Mercy

~~~~~

You know you're getting old when you stop to think and forget to start again.

~~~~~

    While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
    One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

~~~~~

Quirks About Life You Notice By The Time You Are 50:

• Most people deserve each other.

• All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.

• The one who snores will fall asleep first.

• The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.

• The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and apropos
  as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.

• Never get overly excited about a man/woman by just the way they look from behind.

• If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.

• The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.

• Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.

Submitted  by Cicec

~~~~~

By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!

~~~~~

~~~~~

Remember?

~~~~~

You know you're getting old when getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

~~~~~

Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too"!

~~~~~

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ever ask you to appear topless in film. 

~~~~~

Here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully.

• Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

• Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

• Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

• Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too - muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.

• Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

• No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

• Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

• Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

• Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

• Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

• Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

Submitted by Richard

~~~~~

Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar.

~~~~~

You know you've crossed the mid-life threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven".

~~~~~

    There is a man in Ely, MN by the name of Jack Pine Bob. He has a mother who is 106! One day he asked her, "What's it like to be 106."
    She said, "Let me tell you.  All of my friends are dead. They are all in heaven now and they are up there mingling with one another. By now, they are starting to wonder if I might have gone to the other place."

~~~~~

Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"

~~~~~

The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half-full.  Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

~~~~~

Mid-life is when your memory really starts to go.
The only thing you still retain is water.

~~~~~

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

~~~~~

How Old Are You?

• The biggest disadvantage of old age is that you can't outgrow it.

• She's getting crows feet around her eyes. And I'll tell you, that crow has big feet!

• You know you're past your prime when every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.

• I don't like to do things now that I did 20 years ago -- like look in the mirror.

• I'm middle-age, middle-class, and middle-of-the-road.  I feel like that white stuff in the middle of an Oreo.

• Heck, I don't feel a day older than I did a hundred years ago.

• Sometimes I feel old enough to be my own father.

• You know you're past your prime when you start getting air-guitar elbow.

• Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.

• My neighbors have been married for 60 years. They look like identical twins.  One of them wears a dress. I don't know which one.

Submitted by HappyL8dy

~~~~~

Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans.  We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

~~~~~

    An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
    The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
    The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each one into four pieces?"
    The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."
    The gentleman said, "Oh, that's all right. I'm past eighty years old, and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

Submitted by RayEs

~~~~~

See Butler Webs' General Category:
OLDER FOLKS
Interesting items about those of us who are "over the hill", aging, "mid-life", elderly, senior citizens, and even more humor!

~~~~~

~~ Top of Page ~~

Quick Links to our BabyBoomer - Older Folks Humor Pages:
[ Baby Boomers - Page 1 ]
[ Babyboomers - Page 2 ] [ Babyboomers - Page 3 ] [ Babyboomers - Page 4 ]

Link to our General Webs -- Older Folks

Quick Links to our 100's of Jokes & Cartoons Categories:
[ 100's of Jokes & Cartoons - Home Page & Index ]
[ Animals, Pets & Critters ] [ Automotive & Driving Humor ] [ Babyboomers, Over-The-Hill Humor - 4 Pages! ] [ Blonde Jokes & Riddles - 6 Pages! ] [ Bloopers, Funny Ads & Signs ] [ Brain Teasers - 2 Pages! ] [ Bumper Stickers - 2 Pages! ] [ Chick With Nice Knockers ] [ Christmas Humor - 2 Pages! ] [ COMIC CORNER - Featuring Cartoonists! ] [ Computer & Internet Humor - 2 Pages! ] [ Diet, Exercise, Fitness Humor ] [ Divorce Humor ] [ Drinking, Party & Hangovers - 2 Pages! ] [ Driving A Car Humor ] [ Female Bashing ] [ Firefighters ] [ Grandparents ] [ Groaners & Puns - 2 Pages! ] [ Hunting, Fishing, Camping, Outdoors ] [ Insults, Pick-Up Lines, Come-Backs ] [ Kids Say The Funniest Things - 3 Pages! ] [ Lawyer Jokes - 2 Pages! ] [ Links to Other Humor Web Sites ] [ Little Johnny & Little Mary Jokes ] [ Male Bashing - 5 Pages! ] [ Mammogram & Menopause Humor ] [ Marriage & Relationships - 3 Pages! ] [ Medical & Dental Humor - 5 Pages! ] [ Military Humor - 2 Pages! ] [ Parents, Grandparents & Kids - 2 Pages! ] [ Police Humor - 2 Pages! ] [ Pregnancy Humor ] [ Redneck Humor - 3 Pages! ] [ Religious Humor - 5 Pages! ] [ Riddles! ] [ Tax Time! Income Tax Humor ] [ Teachers, Students, Education - 2 Pages! ] [ Toilet & Bathroom Humor - 6 Pages! ] [ Travel Humor ] [ Word Humor & Funny Definitions ] [ Working Folks - Office Humor - 6 Pages! ] [ One-Liners ] [ Miscellaneous Humor - 2 Pages! ]

This page was last edited 05/03/05.