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ButlerWebs welcomes you to... 100's of JOKES & CARTOONS Automotive Humor Automotive humor, jokes, cartoons, and funny stuff about owning, traveling and driving a car, jeep, van, motorcycle, truck - any vehicle that gets you where you are going.  Be sure to see our separate pages for DRIVING HUMOR and TRAVEL HUMOR ENJOY!     The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."     "And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the medic said.     "Heck, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini!" ~~~~~ Gas prices are affecting my sex life. With prices at $2 a gallon, I only date women in a 5-gallon radius.  -- Paul Rodriguez ~~~~~     There was a crowd of bees flying around one day. These bees were most peculiar. They were powered by gasoline, rather than the allergenic goodies that bees usually eat. As the crowd flew along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd.     One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station. As he passed the second station, he coughing badly, but still he flew on. Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and gassed up.     When he rejoined the crowd, his neighbor challenged him:     "Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low.  You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you crazy?"     He replied, "Well, it's like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I really don't like Gulf at all. The second station was a Texaco station. That's even worse. But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. You know what they say don't you? ... There's an Esso Bee in every crowd!" Submitted by Cicec ~~~~~ There's More - Scroll Down!

Automotive Pages from ButlerWebs Automotive Humor (You're on this page now!) Bumper Stickers Page 1 Bumper Stickers Page 2 Driving Humor Travel Humor General Webs Automotive General Webs Automotive Links Drinking & Driving Travel Fun Games & stuff to do in the car while on a trip. Advertise on ButlerWebs Your Neighborhood Web Site With more than 400,000 visitors A MONTH! CLICK HERE for Advertising Info

Funny Ad
Auto Repair Service.
Free pick-up and delivery.
Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

~~~~~

If Microsoft were GM

Microsoft should make cars, GM should make software:
     At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
     In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same back-end size.

9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

Submitted by Sana65

~~~~~

    It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"
     She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.
     "Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"
     Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
     The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."
     As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."
     "Who said that?" she demanded.
     Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.

Submitted by YingHouse

~~~~~

Seen on a T-shirt on the back of a motorcyclist:
If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off!

Submitted by Bubba

~~~~~

How To Change Your Oil

Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:

1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Begin cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob.

32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands.

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

40. Drive car.

~~~~~

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them? -- George Carlin

~~~~~

   It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"
     She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.
     "Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"
     Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
     The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."
     As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."
     "Who said that?" she demanded.
     Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.

Submitted by YingHouse

~~~~~

The Dumb Mechanic

    When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"
    To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side.'

Submitted by Carrie

~~~~~

Be sure to see our 100's of Jokes & Cartoons
with a special category just for:
Driving Humor
and another page for
TRAVEL HUMOR
Lots of jokes and humor about travel.

~~~~~

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More Automotive-Related Pages From ButlerWebs:
Automotive Humor, Jokes & Cartoons
Driving Humor, Jokes & Cartoons
Bumper Stickers - Page 1 (Humor)
Bumper Stickers - Page 2 (Humor)
Travel Humor

General Webs - Automotive
Automotive Links
Drinking & Driving
Travel Fun - Printable Games for the Car

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This page was last edited 12/20/07.